Loosing my Son
I was meditating to the sound of tranquility falls 3. I was at the side of a beautiful brook in the meadow that Don describes. Suddenly it reminded me of when I was last with my son and daughter in a park in London.They were 8 and ten respectively at that time.I had just told them i was leaving England to come and live in ******* with my new wife and child.We sat there in silence and I felt a spiritual bond I thought would never be broken.This has made me very emotional.
I split from there mom when I went into a rehab in 1996.It was a very hard thing to leave my kids,I grieved the separation for many years, but I knew if I didn`t get sober I would probably end up dead.They stayed with me every other weekend and I loved them with all my heart. Their mother went on to marry an alcoholic, so they ended up growing up in a dysfunctional environment anyway. I met a girl in recovery and we got married.
I had to detach from their mother as she became very abusive.Particularly when she found out I was getting married.I made amends to her for the way I treated her when I was in active addiction,but I don`t think she ever really forgave me.Even after fifteen years she recently sent me a text saying I should go and get drunk and die.Her anger was still as intense and venomous as it was at the time of our parting,Of course i didn`t reply.
Shortly after that, When my son was only fifteen he started sending me drunken texts(orchestrated by his mother) demanding money.I replied back to him by saying "don`t talk to me in that abusive manner again'.He told me he wouldn`t speak to me again and for over a year he hasn`t.I believe I was right to set a boundary with him as I will not be verbally abused by anyone.In the past guilt over their 'abandonment' has stopped me doing this but the more I healed my own abandonment the stronger I became and was able to set this boundary.I believe I am showing him the right way to treat someone is not to be abusive to them.
The gulf between us had widened even before this, for that I hold my hands up, I did leave the country, even if I know it was what I had to do to heal.I knew I had lost him a couple of years ago when we were by a river and he pointed to a boat and said to his sister,"dads got a boat like that"(referring to his step Dad.)That remark really hurt.
I still pray for those kids every night and ask god to look after them and to forgive me for bringing children into this world when i was so sick irresponsible and incapable of meeting their emotional needs. I have truly done the best I can in a bad situation, I am still sober and hopefully they will see me as a good role model.I am aware they have been damaged by me and take responsibility for that, but I also try to forgive myself.
In time I hope they can forgive me.Someone recently shared at an A.A meeting that a couple of years after they got sober their daughter (who he didn`t live with) had said to them "don`t change to much or you won`t be our daddy anymore".This really struck a chord with me, because the further I went on in recovery the more distant my kids became. We speak a different language now,my way of life is alien to them,they are often uncomfortable in my presence and visibly squirm if I mention anything to do with recovery(I try not to now).
That is the sad fact about emotional recovery,we leave people behind even if we don`t intend to.Of course sometimes we have to leave people behind (abusive ex-partners e.t.c)lest they drag us down,but sometimes there are loved ones we want to bring with us and we can`t and that hurts to the core.
I hope the situation with my son resolves itself eventually, but i won`t hold my breath.My door is always open for him and eventually he will break away from his mothers control and hopefully see her for what she truly is.A hurt human being with an addiction to booze and very deep abandonment wounds(her own father)
My love for the children i left is unconditional.I will always be there for them.I know they may say i didn`t love them because i didn`t give them the time(as children equate time with love) and they maybe right.I can never make that lost time up.I will continue to heal my own wounds of abandonment stay drink and drug free and love them from a far.