Just the facts

by Kate
(Florida)

I am 33.
I have a daughter.
I have a good job.
I seem pulled together on the outside.
I separated from my husband February.
I do not talk to my parents or my sister.
I know my father exposed himself to young girls on a regular basis.
I think there's a possibility there's more to that story.
I know my mother knew about his behaviors.
I binge and purge. Or starve.
I pull my hair out.
I am in constant negative self talk.
I used to burn my arms with cigarettes.

I am ready to face the monster.
I want to feel.
I want to understand.

After years of denial, I realized who my father was. Shortly after my daughter was born, I became increasingly agitated about him seeing her. While on the phone with my mother, she mentioned that he had exposed himself to one of my sisters friends. The light was starting to brighten.
That was the answer; I knew what my father would do to my daughter.

That evening, he came over to see my daughter. He could tell I was upset and we went outside to talk. I asked him "Did you really expose yourself?" He responded "yes. I was trying to get rid of her".

I then told him if anyone EVER did that to my daughter I would kill them. I can still feel the rage from that moment. That was 6 years ago, and was the last time I spoke to him.

The communication with my sister ceased shortly after. I explained to her that while she was not responsible for my father actions, accepting him was accepting his behaviors. If she chose to continue contact with him, I would stop contact with her. And that's exactly what happened.

Also after the confrontation with my father, I started getting bombarded with realizations. My fathers girlfriends always had young daughters. He was moving every couple of years, and would give what are now silly explanations and excuses as to why he had to move.

I was driving home from work one day, and remembered a canoe trip we had taken with my husband, his family and my father a year or so prior. He exposed himself to me that day. It was casual, and he made it appear like an accident.........

I see you now. I see you for who you are. And I want you to know how much I hate you.

About a year and a half ago, my mother sent me an email that my sister had sent to her. The email stated that my sister feared for me and my family; My sister said my father was blaming my mother for that fact that I wouldn't speak to him. My sister alluded to the possibility of violence towards me and my family. This really upset me. I wanted to know why my mother was involving me in this situation. I told her that it was up to her and my sister to handle this; I was no longer a part of that family. If my sister or mother felt there was danger, then they would need to go through the proper channels.

My anger and fear was starting to build; This culminated in me telling my mother that SHE was the adult. I needed her to figure out a solution to this situation with my father.

I was not going to give advice, or any further type of answer or assistance with this issue.

"You need to figure it out! You're my mother - You should know what you need to do to protect me" "You knew what dad did. How could you allow us to ever be around him" "Why didn't you protect me?"

And that's the last time I spoke with her. I see her now too; She likes to be a victim. That is her role. She never accepted responsibility. She was emotionally lazy. She was concerned about herself.


I AM NOT A VICTIM.

Recently, I started dating a man and had a situation arise that cause me to go into a deep state of panic. This panic was paralyzing............. and I don't want to feel this way anymore.

My spirit DOES want to survive.
I want strength and happiness.
I want to be a safe emotional haven for my daughter.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to give and receive love.
I want to be free.

Comments for Just the facts

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 08, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
You Should Be So Incredibly Proud of Yourself...
by: L.H.

...for wanting to take your power back. Good for you for calling out your father and protecting your daughter. I am pregnant now with my 1st child and sort of like you, I find that my (unborn) child has stirred up alot of old parent issues that I previously let lie...serious issues...why is that? My sis, like you, has struggled badly with bulemia, no doubt due to the callous & abusive way we were treated by my very controlling father. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE STRONG and smart to recognize the damage inflicted by your fam and good for you to try to heal yourself. Good for you for telling your mother to deal with it herself...because while she may suffer her own hardships, you have to take back your own life and protect your daughter (as you clearly are). Please keep up the good (difficult) work. Please keep us updated. God bless you.

Apr 08, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
don't stop
by: Lisa

Kate,
Bravo,
Keep it up. The road is bumpy. There are ups and downs to the process but you have exceptional courage to stand up to them. You will feel like a frightened child sometimes but remember you are now an adult safe and can take care of that little child inside you and your daughter. Please get into therapy with a good therapist that does a full range of therapies like Don does here on this site. Don't slow down or get stuck it is too easy to back slide

Good Luck and God bless

Feb 01, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Love will WIN
by: Anonymous

God Bless you!!
Only TRUE LOVE has, and WILL, keep us safe and rise above this all.. I'm only today realising my own history!
I love you.
God Bless

Dec 24, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Keep going!
by: Don Carter

Kate, I applaud your courage too! If you genuinely mean what you say in the excerpt below, then if you have not already done so, get into therapy and finish the unfinished business. If indeed you have found yourself in a relationship with an unsafe person then you can bet that the old business in NOT yet finished.

Trauma doesn't disappear by wishing it away. it needs to see the light of day in a recovery process. sometimes a therapist skilled in initiation of the healing process is required. The healing process will continue long after therapy; in a safe container of supportive others who have walked the same path as you.

--------------------------
"...I AM NOT A VICTIM.

Recently, I started dating a man and had a situation arise that cause me to go into a deep state of panic. This panic was paralyzing............. and I don't want to feel this way anymore.

My spirit DOES want to survive.
I want strength and happiness.
I want to be a safe emotional haven for my daughter.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to give and receive love.
I want to be free."
----------------------------

Go for it Kate, you deserve to these things!

Don

Dec 13, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
STOPING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
by: Anonymous

It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your parents and sibling. I stood against my parents and four siblings and have had no contact for three years. As a child they left me in a precarious position with my mothers family and i was abused by a 16 year old female family member.

My father was a rageaholic my mother allowed him to beat us and run us down.It was only after 10 years in recovery that I finally cut of all contact with my family, I feel so free to be away from their toxic shame and negative behaviour.

It`s so refreshing to hear others breaking away from their family of origin in order to get healthy and well. We don`t have to put up with abuse no matter who the persons are, mother father brother e.t.c You have to earn the right to be called mother or father, they are only invited guests into our families and if they miss behave or act in an abusive way we can ask them to leave.

I made the mistake of letting my family back in, I was vulnerable and had a fantasy about healing the dysfunction and we would all live happily ever after, I was told not to "let them back in".
Inevitably they started to act abusively but I got out for good. Thank god.

Good luck with your future,your recovery will have such a good affect on your daughter. In fact it will affect the next few generations of your family in a positive way. AMAZING.

C . (Europe)


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to The Iceberg Discussion Forum.