Just the facts
I am 33.
I have a daughter.
I have a good job.
I seem pulled together on the outside.
I separated from my husband February.
I do not talk to my parents or my sister.
I know my father exposed himself to young girls on a regular basis.
I think there's a possibility there's more to that story.
I know my mother knew about his behaviors.
I binge and purge. Or starve.
I pull my hair out.
I am in constant negative self talk.
I used to burn my arms with cigarettes.
I am ready to face the monster.
I want to feel.
I want to understand.
After years of denial, I realized who my father was. Shortly after my daughter was born, I became increasingly agitated about him seeing her. While on the phone with my mother, she mentioned that he had exposed himself to one of my sisters friends. The light was starting to brighten.
That was the answer; I knew what my father would do to my daughter.
That evening, he came over to see my daughter. He could tell I was upset and we went outside to talk. I asked him "Did you really expose yourself?" He responded "yes. I was trying to get rid of her".
I then told him if anyone EVER did that to my daughter I would kill them. I can still feel the rage from that moment. That was 6 years ago, and was the last time I spoke to him.
The communication with my sister ceased shortly after. I explained to her that while she was not responsible for my father actions, accepting him was accepting his behaviors. If she chose to continue contact with him, I would stop contact with her. And that's exactly what happened.
Also after the confrontation with my father, I started getting bombarded with realizations. My fathers girlfriends always had young daughters. He was moving every couple of years, and would give what are now silly explanations and excuses as to why he had to move.
I was driving home from work one day, and remembered a canoe trip we had taken with my husband, his family and my father a year or so prior. He exposed himself to me that day. It was casual, and he made it appear like an accident.........
I see you now. I see you for who you are. And I want you to know how much I hate you.
About a year and a half ago, my mother sent me an email that my sister had sent to her. The email stated that my sister feared for me and my family; My sister said my father was blaming my mother for that fact that I wouldn't speak to him. My sister alluded to the possibility of violence towards me and my family. This really upset me. I wanted to know why my mother was involving me in this situation. I told her that it was up to her and my sister to handle this; I was no longer a part of that family. If my sister or mother felt there was danger, then they would need to go through the proper channels.
My anger and fear was starting to build; This culminated in me telling my mother that SHE was the adult. I needed her to figure out a solution to this situation with my father.
I was not going to give advice, or any further type of answer or assistance with this issue.
"You need to figure it out! You're my mother - You should know what you need to do to protect me" "You knew what dad did. How could you allow us to ever be around him" "Why didn't you protect me?"
And that's the last time I spoke with her. I see her now too; She likes to be a victim. That is her role. She never accepted responsibility. She was emotionally lazy. She was concerned about herself.
I AM NOT A VICTIM.
Recently, I started dating a man and had a situation arise that cause me to go into a deep state of panic. This panic was paralyzing............. and I don't want to feel this way anymore.
My spirit DOES want to survive.
I want strength and happiness.
I want to be a safe emotional haven for my daughter.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to give and receive love.
I want to be free.