Just hit bottom... struggling to find a path to healing

by Tessa
(Snoqualmie WA)

I just hit bottom and am ready to admit to being an alcoholic with internalized abuse/abandonment issues. I don't know if I hit it or was pushed there, my spouse of 4 years just threw my daughter and I out of our house to pursue a new relationship. He has his own set of abuse / abandonment issues and is completely externalized, a bully, and a control freak. So of course the fault is all mine. It was a match made in hell. But it's still completely broken my heart.

While dealing with the pain and the betrayal I've come to see that my life has been shaped by my separation from my mother (premature, spent the first 3 months of my life in the hospital), my father leaving when I was less than a year old, my oldest sister dying when I was 7 which caused my mother, for all intents, to just STOP parenting. She turned to marijuana and closed herself off. My older brother and I were latch key kids from the time I was 8, and his favorite hobby was to sadistically abuse me. And yes, the abuse was at times sexual. I remember calling my mom and begging her to make him stop... but she was at work and couldn't "deal with this".

Being rejected and not protected set me on a life of drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, bad relationship choices, and crippling low self esteem. I want it to stop. I want the pain and shame to stop. I don't want to feel broken and worthless anymore, and I don't want my most precious child to be raised by a broken alcoholic mess.

I meeting with a social worker on Monday to help me find the right counselor, have removed all the alcohol from my home, and I am attending AA meetings. But I want to do more. The depression is overwhelming, I've been vomiting from stress, cant eat, cry all the time, and this is on a full dose of Zoloft. I would LOVE to go through an week of inpatient care, but it's not an option. What else can I do?

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