Just Getting Started.

I am just getting started through this abandonment recovery. I've always knew it to be an issue but my boyfriend & I have had some changes that should be used as a positive growing experience and it has only brought up constant fear & panic. It is exhausting always being insecure and afraid. Not only for me, but for him also. I can see the possibility of a future with him and don't want my own separate issues to get in the way. Which brings on even more fear.

My biological father and mother were divorced when I was 3 years old. My mother and my dad got married when I was 5. For about a year after the marriage I would still see him on weekends but they were coming farther and farther apart until a year passed. Then they looked into my step-dad adopting me. My biological said he was going to fight it but didn't show up to court.

The man I call my father is an emotionally wounded person himself. As he has gotten older he has mellowed and things have smoothed down with him, but for a long time I felt rejection. Although always there, he seemed to have a stronger bond (real or in my head) with my brother, his biological son. I identified with the child described as "tuned in". I was always tuned in for quick changes of mood or conflicts to arise. Now, I often create them when I'm looking for something that's not there.