I've established new boundaries for a bad situation. What about sex?

No short way to say this. I will try. My bipolar, antisocial personality disorder husband who has recently admitted to being a drug addict, (by stealing my pain meds, buying, coercion and whatever other means, not to mention physical abuse and threats).

It was discovered a few weeks ago although I sensed it to some level and lived in the world of denial because of fear and other EXCUSES. His parents were given his old cell phone which did not get properly reset and his mother found his emails were full of filth and horrible graphic conversations about sex with men, women, and how he was talking to others to get me to participate in 3 ways because I was unwilling. (That topic is a major sore spot and struggle in our marriage I can't and won't bend on. I won't go there with him or anyone.)

His mom was in such distress and silently they went to him about it 2 times. He denied it and made sure they knew they had better never bring it up again. Now, over the years he has stolen my rx pain meds from me as I said and I know that he has found other means as well.

Well the bomb dropped and the lies as best I know are out and he is left with a loving mother and father and myself, along with the 3 kids who are willing to work on helping him since he claims to want help.

Here's my problem. He "needs" my intimacy to feel loved. I see it as he just wants sex because men are wired that way. He can take care of himself and won't. Pardon my forwardness. I set up a boundary that until he actually gets help and we discuss his actions on the computer with other people and how far it truly went, I have no interest and don't feel safe there emotionally.

He makes me feel bad and manipulates me that he is going to all of his PCP (primary care provider) appointments. So far he has not gotten counseling or therapy or anything and it has been since the 17th of this month that he was released from the 96 hour psych ward.

Am I wrong? And how do I make it clear that I love him as a human as Christ calls us but as far as a marriage, that is yet to be determined. I tried to kick him out and he has nowhere to go. I tried so hard but he has devastated our finances. I am working on myself now and getting my own help for years of enabling. I thought I was over codependency but I guess one never gets over that.

So does anyone have any advice? I feel compassion towards him as a human with an illness and a disease. I don't however feel it as a wife but as a person. I have no desire to enable and care for him at this point. I only want to be respectful and make it clear he can live here cleanly. He has no phone to participate in internet filth. He is now on lithium.

God will heal me and if it is his will, He will help my hubby.

livinginhope

Comments for I've established new boundaries for a bad situation. What about sex?

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Apr 05, 2013
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The only thing I have to say is
by: Anonymous

Sex is a two way street. If you aren't in the mood or don't want to participate for any reason, then don't. I'm 50 and love my husband to pieces, but I'm not going to do something just because he's in the mood and I'm not.

Dec 07, 2009
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Abuse
by: Sue

Hi have just re your blog and want you to know that you are on the right path. I too live with a husband who has bi polar he is not on medication any longer we have learnt to manage for a better word his depression. I too found that he relies upon me for his emotional stability. It is hard at times when they can be in that "State" to feel like being affectionate.

I noticed you spoke about your issues with your mother. Man our parents programming and influence has alot to do with how we cope as adults. Keep your head up and be proud of who you are. You are an incredibly strong person call upon your unseen helpers and other to give you the courage to follow your convictions through.

Dec 07, 2009
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Safety Plan
by: Lyn

Here is a link to a very comprehensive safety plan. http://www.bpd411.org/safeplan.html

Dec 07, 2009
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Your protection
by: Lyn

Thank you for sharing your story here, it is sad to hear what you have endured in your relationship to your husband. I just wanted to back up what Don has said and to reiterate how important it is for you to get a safety plan organised. This can take time to prepare and includes planning independent finances, safe shelter, preparing possessions and valuables you wish to keep etc.

Don I hope you don't mind me recommending another source of help where such information is clearly set out. This is a site called Out of the Fog which was set up specifically to support those who are involved with/recovering from having been involved with someone who has a personality disorder, whether as a partner or a relative. Here is a link to their boundaries info page. http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html
It is run by very experienced moderators and I have been a member there for a year now and recently posted a link to the Iceberg Presentation which was well received.

I have run the gauntlet on relationships with men who have PD's, in fact my first post I made here a couple of weeks back was entitled "My addiction to partners with personality disorders". I'm only 14 months out of my last PD relationship with an avoidant man but I also share children with a BPD/NPD man who frequently causes problems for them and me with his controlling and irratic behaviours (we have a very difficult situation going on at the moment).

I am now in the position of learning myself and simultaneously teaching my girls how to protect their own sense of self by both 'managing' and setting boundaries with their father and their co-dependent step mother.

I have asked myself the question many times, why have I always seemed to end up with men who have PD's and not alcoholics or drug addicts (well not presenting immediately or as a primary)? I think it is because this way, I have been able to put myself in the firing line for abuse but can also say "ah he can't help it, it's not intentional that he hurts me, it's because he has a mental health condition". For me this goes back to my relationship with my mother growing up - I justified her cruelty towards me as unintentional too.

For me, being actively involved on good support groups like this one and OOTF as well as seeking out a good one on one therapist has been essential to my process of recovery. I do believe it is possible to get well but that it will take time and it cannot be done alone. Facing the original emotional wounds that led to my enabling/co-dependent behaviours is helping me to set myself free from the pain I have been attracting for so long and in the long run teach my daughters how to hang onto their self respect, which with any luck will break this dysfunctional cross generational chain from passing any further.


Dec 06, 2009
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Be Safe...
by: Don Carter

Hi and Welcome! I hope you find what you are looking for here. I'm also glad you are getting professional help for yourself. Your situation is very complex and does not sound very safe for you.

The first piece of advice I want to make sure you hear is that YOU NEED A SAFETY PLAN! I'm sure your counselor must be working with you on that -- right?

I also want you to know that while we here in these forums can respond with experience and suggestions -- none of this is meant to take the place of professional help, but to add to it. You deserve to sit down face to face with someone who can go through this very complex situation with you and help you determine the best courses of action.

Having said that...keep coming back and, again, welcome! I know you will be hearing from others who have been where you are.

Don


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