Comments for I've established new boundaries for a bad situation. What about sex?

Comments for
I've established new boundaries for a bad situation. What about sex?

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Dec 07, 2009
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Abuse
by: Sue

Hi have just re your blog and want you to know that you are on the right path. I too live with a husband who has bi polar he is not on medication any longer we have learnt to manage for a better word his depression. I too found that he relies upon me for his emotional stability. It is hard at times when they can be in that "State" to feel like being affectionate.

I noticed you spoke about your issues with your mother. Man our parents programming and influence has alot to do with how we cope as adults. Keep your head up and be proud of who you are. You are an incredibly strong person call upon your unseen helpers and other to give you the courage to follow your convictions through.

Dec 07, 2009
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Safety Plan
by: Lyn

Here is a link to a very comprehensive safety plan. http://www.bpd411.org/safeplan.html

Dec 07, 2009
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Your protection
by: Lyn

Thank you for sharing your story here, it is sad to hear what you have endured in your relationship to your husband. I just wanted to back up what Don has said and to reiterate how important it is for you to get a safety plan organised. This can take time to prepare and includes planning independent finances, safe shelter, preparing possessions and valuables you wish to keep etc.

Don I hope you don't mind me recommending another source of help where such information is clearly set out. This is a site called Out of the Fog which was set up specifically to support those who are involved with/recovering from having been involved with someone who has a personality disorder, whether as a partner or a relative. Here is a link to their boundaries info page. http://www.outofthefogsite.com/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html
It is run by very experienced moderators and I have been a member there for a year now and recently posted a link to the Iceberg Presentation which was well received.

I have run the gauntlet on relationships with men who have PD's, in fact my first post I made here a couple of weeks back was entitled "My addiction to partners with personality disorders". I'm only 14 months out of my last PD relationship with an avoidant man but I also share children with a BPD/NPD man who frequently causes problems for them and me with his controlling and irratic behaviours (we have a very difficult situation going on at the moment).

I am now in the position of learning myself and simultaneously teaching my girls how to protect their own sense of self by both 'managing' and setting boundaries with their father and their co-dependent step mother.

I have asked myself the question many times, why have I always seemed to end up with men who have PD's and not alcoholics or drug addicts (well not presenting immediately or as a primary)? I think it is because this way, I have been able to put myself in the firing line for abuse but can also say "ah he can't help it, it's not intentional that he hurts me, it's because he has a mental health condition". For me this goes back to my relationship with my mother growing up - I justified her cruelty towards me as unintentional too.

For me, being actively involved on good support groups like this one and OOTF as well as seeking out a good one on one therapist has been essential to my process of recovery. I do believe it is possible to get well but that it will take time and it cannot be done alone. Facing the original emotional wounds that led to my enabling/co-dependent behaviours is helping me to set myself free from the pain I have been attracting for so long and in the long run teach my daughters how to hang onto their self respect, which with any luck will break this dysfunctional cross generational chain from passing any further.

Dec 06, 2009
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Be Safe...
by: Don Carter

Hi and Welcome! I hope you find what you are looking for here. I'm also glad you are getting professional help for yourself. Your situation is very complex and does not sound very safe for you.

The first piece of advice I want to make sure you hear is that YOU NEED A SAFETY PLAN! I'm sure your counselor must be working with you on that -- right?

I also want you to know that while we here in these forums can respond with experience and suggestions -- none of this is meant to take the place of professional help, but to add to it. You deserve to sit down face to face with someone who can go through this very complex situation with you and help you determine the best courses of action.

Having said that...keep coming back and, again, welcome! I know you will be hearing from others who have been where you are.

Don

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This information is not a substitute for professional evaluation and/or treatment. Reading the information contained here may trigger strong emotional reactions. If you have an emergency, call 911, other local emergency contact, your local emergency room, or law enforcement agency.