I've been helping or enabling my grown sons for several years now and don't know how to stop!

by Louise
(Everett,wa)

I have five grown children, four from a previous marriage. 2 daughters and 3 sons in that order.my oldest daughter seems to be fine with a good marriage and two grown daughters that are doing fine.

My second daughter is having problems in her second marriage and has left him in another state and is living close to me now. She has health problems and has been on many drugs due to having her Spleen removed after her husband hit her in the side with his car!

My two oldest sons are out of work and are living in a house ,rent free that my husband bought so they would have a place to live and I wouldn't worry so much! The youngest Son is ours together and douse ok usually however he is on unemployment right now.

This problem with the three middle kids is what is getting me down and causing marriage problems! I keep trying to help them with phones and phone cards and money for gas and sometimes food as it breaks my heart to think that they are going hungry!

I have a very hard time stopping myself from doing things for them and my husband gets very upset because he works hard and feels like he's having to support these kids who are in their 40s and should be taking care of themselves! I get very depressed and feel like running away and disappearing from everyone!

I love my husband very very much and feel like it's my fault that my family is so messed up! I've considered suicide but I know that would only cause my husband more pain and I can't do that to him! How does everything get so messed up? I wasn't brought up to turn my back on family yet everyone says that I'm enabling my adult children to be the way they are.

I know there are Drugs involved as well as alcohol and DUI'S...half the time I can't talk to them because their such a mess! With anxiety and anger! I need help and not sure where to go to get it.

Comments for I've been helping or enabling my grown sons for several years now and don't know how to stop!

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Jan 14, 2014
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How to Stop Enabling..
by: Don Carter

Hi,

I am very happy for the update and that you have found your way to recovery! I have been seeing a lot of similar posts here from people who have decided to stop enabling, but may not know how. So I've made a video this week of my favorite guidelines on how to stop enabling.

Stop Enabling ~ The Art of Letting Go

Blessings and all the best!
Don Carter

Aug 07, 2012
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I'm getting it now!
by: Anonymous

Your right ! I've been changing and the situation has been changing! I don't feel so overwhelmed since I started back to a counselor. I've realized that I'm an enabler and nothing will change for them until they do the changing themselves...I can't do it for them! Hopefully I can keep on the right track. Thanks for your help.

Jul 13, 2012
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Getting help!
by: Anonymous

Thanks for all the helpful comments! My DR. Has referred me to a counselor and I will see her om the 31st of July...imhoping to get help ...I havaEnt been helping my kids and it just about kills me to ignore their problems! Sick I know but it just hurts!

Jun 27, 2012
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Response
by: Anonymous

Easy to say not to do! I wish I had a magic button to turn off all feelings I have for my grown children!

Jun 27, 2012
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First things First...
by: Don

Yes the Drama Triangle is definitely in play here as it is in all dysfunctional families. But, as they say in recovery "First things First"... Dealing with the Drama Triangle is not the first or only thing that needs to be attended to here.

And it is simple - all you have to do is change your whole life! That's simple to understand but hard to do.

Dealing with first things first means getting a professional evaluation from an addiction specialist who has considerable experience and knows about family therapy for chemically dependent families.

A good addictions counselor can assess the extent of the problem, help design a treatment plan, connect you and your family with the right resources and facilities for your needs. They will also point your attention INWARD at your own addiction.

If you cannot stop doing things for the boys that you know you need to stop doing then you are experiencing loss of control. That is a major hallmark of addiction. Take care of yourself first be getting help even if they don't. Ask your husband to come too.

A good addictions counselor will also educate you about what you are up against...including being in the victim role one minute and the persecutor or rescuer role the next. That is PART of the treatment process - not the whole process.

There is a way out! Getting help from someone who KNOWS addiction.

The VERY first thing to attend to is the part of you that makes suicidal suggestions in your self-talk!

Please get help,
Don

Jun 26, 2012
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Still unsure!
by: Anonymous

How can I be a victim and a persecuter?

Jun 24, 2012
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THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
by: Anonymous

It's simple. Stop enabling them. You are on the drama triangle. Your position was the rescuer-now its becoming the victim. Pretty soon it will be the persecutor. May I suggest you seek therapy? When your end of the system changes theirs will too out of necessity. Many blessings and good luck with effecting this needed change. Namaste.

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