Is it possible to enable paranoia?

by Paul
(Twin Cities)

An epiphany hit me this morning: my wife and I are having problems rooted in communication (or lack thereof, or dysfunctional). In the past several months, I've found myself more and more explaining why I did something because the blame and accusation I hear is so far from reality that it's just my natural response to correct the inaccuracy.

Is my repeated response to this paranoia enabling?

If so, how does one go about stopping this enabling behavior so that the accusations stop? Do I just let the accusations fly without defending my intent? Or is it possible that she isn't paranoid and simply reporting observations?

My own thought is that a big problem is that she doesn't ask why I do something, but rather assumes the worst possible intent and launches the accusation that my motivation was bad.

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Apr 05, 2010
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escape the drama
by: kathy

I enjoy your perspective and advice. I work with David Emerald, author and coach, who has designed an escape from the Drama Triangle. His book, The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic), immediately made a difference for me and my relationships. Check his website at www.powerofted.com.

Mar 20, 2010
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Enabling is just that - enabling someone to mistreat/use you
by: xmkx

Hmmm... I'm not sure but I don't think defending yourself in the face of new accusations could be considered enabling unless it becomes an ongoing process in which you are constantly on the defense and never bring up the subject of how all these false accusations are affecting you or if you bring it up and just let it drop to "keep the peace". In order to enable someone you have to allow them to mistreat/use you without ever doing or saying anything concrete to put an end to the behavior being directed towards you.

The question has to be asked as to why she is still with you if she distrusts you so much she feels the need to "jump on" you so often. When I was still entrenched in the drama triangle I used to believe that maybe if I kept at my husband he would stop cheating. This was an attempt to control what he did and ultimately control the outcome of the situation. Since her accusations are false there's a very strong possibility that she is caught up in some past event that carried similar aspects to the current situation although not exactly the same and she's reacting to this like that past event in the hopes that she can control the outcome better than she did in the past.

The key here is that you cannot control others and you can never really control the outcome of situations in your life (although you may believe you can). The focus needs to be turned within: What changes can I realistically make to myself and my situation in order to be happy with my life?

Counseling is a big help with communication problems within a marriage. A counselor can act as a mediator between you and equip you with the tools to ensure successful communication and can also help you individually to work through past issues you may have had that have influenced your perception of the present. It's like having a good friend that is well educated on how to bring people together and ensure everyone stands on equal ground.

I hope this helps. Good luck on your journey! :)

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