Is it okay to just leave?

by Pati
(San Diego)

I want to leave, go away, start anew, try again. Is it okay to do that? That thought gives me peace.

I have been married for 30 years. We have 3 grown children and three grandchildren. When I was 3 years old, my father said he was leaving, so my sister and I hid some of his important things. He yelled at us to give them back. We didn't, but he found them anyway. With his important things in hand, he walked out the door and slammed it behind him. He never came back and I rarely saw him again.

My mother was only 24 and had 4 children under the age of 4, so I'm certain she did her best to raise us, but it was hell growing up with her. Between the ages of 14 and 19, I even lost the ability to speak.

Now with 3 children of my own, I have one that I'm very close to, but the other two appear to have walked away. Without a word. Gone.

So I want to move away with my husband as far as I can get from these other two children. I want to forget about them. I believe that is what I will do, but that's not what I want. I want a kind, considerate relationship with all of my children, but I am incapable of that. So if I leave I can forget that it's me who gets left.