Is it okay to just leave?

by Pati
(San Diego)

I want to leave, go away, start anew, try again. Is it okay to do that? That thought gives me peace.

I have been married for 30 years. We have 3 grown children and three grandchildren. When I was 3 years old, my father said he was leaving, so my sister and I hid some of his important things. He yelled at us to give them back. We didn't, but he found them anyway. With his important things in hand, he walked out the door and slammed it behind him. He never came back and I rarely saw him again.

My mother was only 24 and had 4 children under the age of 4, so I'm certain she did her best to raise us, but it was hell growing up with her. Between the ages of 14 and 19, I even lost the ability to speak.

Now with 3 children of my own, I have one that I'm very close to, but the other two appear to have walked away. Without a word. Gone.

So I want to move away with my husband as far as I can get from these other two children. I want to forget about them. I believe that is what I will do, but that's not what I want. I want a kind, considerate relationship with all of my children, but I am incapable of that. So if I leave I can forget that it's me who gets left.

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Jun 27, 2011
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Pat in San Diego
by: Angie Carter

Hi Pat, Of course you are free to make decisions like that in your life...you have free will and can chose to stay or to leave. My mother once gave me a bit of sage advice though--wherever you go, there you are.

I don't know the dynamics of why two of your children are making the choices they are making, but I can assure you there are reasons. Now, whether they (or you) feel like exploring those reasons and working on it, is hard to say. Most children typically want a relationship with their parents, unless something is wrong and they (or the parent) do not feel like moving past that.

You might ask yourself a few questions. Is this the next right thing? (If you have a belief in God) you might ask yourself "Is this what God would want me to do? Will moving actually remove my children from my mind and my heart? Is this the advice I would give my very best friend? Would a therapist or mental health professional recommend and support this action? (not the moving part, but the moving and forgetting about the children part).

Anyway, searching out motive and intention are also a good route to go. Are you wanting to move in order to self preserve (at least that is the feeling)? And will it really provide that?

I recommend talking to a professional about your inner landscape and your childhood or origin issues.

Keep us posted on how you are!
Happy searching...
Angie Carter

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