I'm not okay, you're not okay

by Kathleen D. Cone
(Phoenix Arizona USA)

I Broke up with my Son Today

Well, I called just to talk to my son because I love him and he came off treating me like dirt, telling me all sorts of things that weren't necessarily falsehoods but traps that I could not get out of and I finally got angry inside.... 7 or 8 years ago I got angry inside at him once then too and we saw little of each other and never spoke for the next 5 years.

I got so tired of decades of trying, that I finally got to the point of going from "you're not okay" (for me meaning I'm worried about you) and I'm loving you anyway unconditionally while you treat me as if "You are okay but you know you are not okay and I'm not okay"...while I'm feeling like "I'm not okay"... Lets see what that looks like.

You're not okay (and I'm concerned for you)
You consider yourself "okay but not okay at the same time " at the same time, you consider me not okay and I consider myself "not okay".

Kind of crazy actually.

I'm having a really challenging time with panic right now in my life and the drama of his rejections is just too much for me. I have abandonment issues of my own... and since the love is not reciprocal and really hasn't been for 30 years...

I feel stuck in what is like a parent trap, I'm 'supposed to love my child' but I need love too and he isn't going to love me anytime soon, in fact I don't remember him loving me except when he was really young and hadn't yet decided he despised me.

I broke up with my son today... inside I got angry because I didn't want to deal with the abusiveness from him anymore. And I felt like I just needed to say it to this group so that it takes some of the danger out of "you're not okay, I'm not okay" the equation and to get some feed back....

I hope it's not too confusing?

My son is 35 years old. Now I am concerned that my rejection may push him over the edge... argh... I guess I just have to hope that his intense selfishness will result in his ultimate survival. That I don't really have that much of an impact on his life... in the first place.... whew.. tough one for me.

I have no desire to harm myself, in case anyone is wondering...

Kathy