I'm defective.

Here's my life in short form.

1-5 years old: Spent every waking second with my very affectionate, loving, downright amazing mother who has been through terrible amounts of psychological and physical abuse/trauma since she was born.

6-8 years old: Every single day in school I was physically, and psychologically bullied by virtually every kid I came in contact with. I had no friends, no "safe people" I could lean on. Not even the teachers cared to help me, despite how blatantly everyone was bullying me for so long. This continued throughout my life until my Sophomore year in High school.

9 years old: My mother was sent to a mental rehabilitation after she was found passed out, barely alive, with slit wrists in her car.

9-12 years old: My mother was never around after that. She was constantly being released from mental rehabs and having to go back when she attempted suicide shortly after being released. This happened at least 6 to 8 times before she was home for good.

I'm 17 years old now. Female. My dad has been extremely abusive ever since I could remember on top of all of this. My mother was the only person I ever felt comfortable around, she was my guardian, that safe person I could come home to, feel relieved knowing I could come home to someone who actually loved me and showed me a lot of care and affection and just everything. I've always looked up to her, she's absolutely amazing in every way. She was never ever mean to me at all, she rarely even yelled at me, NEVER told me I ever did anything wrong, even when I made dumb little kid mistakes. She was just a perfect mother, more than anyone could ever ask for. I relied on her so much because I never had anyone else. It was like me verses the rest of the world, and my mom was the big metal shield that could keep me safe from everyone. I don't blame her for anything whatsoever, I know she needed help and she couldn't control it; so that isn't an issue. I still love her just as much, and I'm ALWAYS there for her if she needs support or someone to talk to.

Anyway; the time that my mom was around, she was always very detached from everything. She always looked like she was kind of in a daze, and her mood would drop drastically at random moments. I always thought it was because of me, because I was always with her. I don't know. I had the affection and support I needed up to my ninth year of life, but she was never there emotionally because of how depressed she's always been.

Today, I have severe social phobia, general anxiety, clinical depression, OCD, and obviously terrible abandonment issues. I can not have a normal functioning relationship without constantly being afraid of my lover even finding another female attractive whatsoever. If he even likes another female as a friend, it is a threat to me. Everyone and everything is a god damn paranoia trigger that makes my mind go in circles about the "what if's" and the worrying... oh my god the worrying. I don't just worry about social aspects, I worry about my house catching fire in my sleep, I worry about my parents being killed because I don't deserve them, I worry about my pets getting sick and dying because I don't deserve them. I have been set up for a life of self worthlessness and a terrible inferiority complex. I am defective. I am not worthy of anything relatively positive in any way. I can not love myself, even though I see plenty of things in myself that are loveable. I can not do anything in my own favor aside from keeping myself alive without feeling guilty for it. I feel as though I owe the world everything because of how much of how disgraceful my mere existence is.

All I want to do with my life is help other people. I want to become a psychologist, so I can help people deep down and help guide them to the path of genuine happiness within themselves. I'm EXTREMELY empathetic, and I love it. I love feeling the pain of others, because it means they have someone who genuinely understands what they feel when they need someone there for them. I will do anything in my power to help another human being regardless of how well I know them. It is impossible for me to dislike, let alone hate, another human being or creature at all. I have a huge heart, and so much love to give. But all of these problems with my past are holding me back from showing it. All I want is to feel human again, like I'm worthy. I miss being six years old, sitting down at my kitchen table laughing with my mother as she helps me with my homework. Every since she went away, no one ever helped me with school. My grades crashed, fast. I was unable to develop the ability to work with structure or schedule because I had no one forcing me to do the work or pay attention once she left. I was on my own. I had to take care of my two older brothers, and my father when she was gone. I had to make dinner every night, I had to get myself up and ready for school myself. I had to stand outside and wait for the bus by myself while every other kid had their mother kissing them goodbye as the it rolled up to pick us up. I had to come home to an empty house and clean it entirely by myself so my father wouldn't get angry with me and use the belt or the coathanger, or the 2 by 4 again. So I wouldn't fall asleep alone again covered in bruises gasping for breath from crying so hard, wishing my mother were there to stop him.

I've never known what normality was like. I've always felt like an alien, like there was something wrong with me. I hope I can let go of my past one day. I really do. The only thing that has helped me so far is being extremely self aware of my state of mind, and what caused my mind to end up like this.

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Dec 12, 2011
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dont give up
by: hope

dear defective
i feel along and understand ur feelings. i too am a victim of emotional and mental pain. to people all around me i sound great but in me there is the feircist winds blowing. im a sufferer, but never let myself into the title or label patient. i fight and fight and dont give up-even i feel i want to, and dont have strengh to fight any longer. the pain that u poured onto the paper had taken me over and had shaken me up totally. its real suffering, and in full meaning of the word pain. ur feeling like ur locked up in ur own prison, with no way out. dear "defective" there is a way out! start looking foward! forget about ur past. there are many open windows to jump out from.it is not an easy thing to jump a window, as it is not an easy thing to jump ur emotional prison. but its possible and it pays to work. im evidence that its possible! i have experienced the deepest feelings of blackness and despair i know how ur feeling and like u wrote, i also feel like i want to give u my heart and help u! but please "defective" dont go on like this! start getting help! ur still young, and have many more healthy and happy years to come! dont let them just fly away. remember! it can be good, and it will be good! please! i know on paper it sounds easier than it is. but its possible. if ur doing it for anybody do it for me! do it for urself! life could still be good! dont lose hope. try and try and get help!
i wish u a lot of hope and strengh and health, i understand u and believe in u, because i went through similar to urs, and i can almost be called a survivor!!
please if possible "defective", write back thanx

Nov 07, 2011
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Dear "Defective"...
by: Don Carter

I hardly believe a 17 year old person who is "defective" could have written this! This article is absolutely, without a doubt, written by a very talented writer! It's better than many articles written by some published authors that I've read. I think most of us will agree, it is by far one of the most eloquent contributions in these forums.

Now about the content of what you wrote...you are emotionally wounded! That does not make you defective. In fact, our suffering can give us many gifts; such as empathy, a knowledge of what is really important, the ability to express ourselves through art, music, poetry, and other publications.

I have been a professional helper for half my life now and I know that most of us are wounded healers. The main question is do we have our own wounds in check? Are we healed and healing? Do we practice what we preach! Or are we out there "needing to be needed" or otherwise getting our needs met at the expense of others.

Two things one of my mentors told me that I never forgot: 1) "You can't take anyone any further you are yourself." 2) "The first thing a good counselor needs is a good counselor."

Reach out, get some help, go to 12-step meetings. Do your research and keep coming back! You can heal and you have gifts for the world!

Don

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