I'm a 20 year old thirty-er, what can I do?

by Meelee
(Hialeah, FL, USA)

Born in a dysfunctional family, where violence and daily being cursed, downtrodden and ridiculed, I was a very insecure boy in my teenager years. Did not have many friends, which made me even more insecure. In my late teenager years I found the first people that accepted me who I was, in a youth group where I found my first friends. As I grew up, I had some girlfriends, not many relationships where successful, and also had some jobs I did not completely hate (the people, not the jobs).

Regardless I've 'moved up the ladder' after 1 long term relationship of over 2 years, and now am married.

Even though I consider my morality level to be (much)higher than the average person, I feel in other fields like job, or progression in life, I am more like a guy just turning 20. Like my psychological part just aged slower.

Not only on the Erikson stages, but even when I look at many people I know of my age,they all are dads, purchased a home, while though I'm married I don't have any of this, and I feel a bit frustrated not to know what I should do to keep up. Even my job is a small job (mainly because of bad economy and little work experience).

Advice?

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Dec 02, 2010
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@Angie
by: Meelee

Thank you Angie for your comment,
It seems the Lord has strengthened you to go through your seasons as well. I hope you may have found a person that could be not only a spiritual but also an emotional support for you in these seasons.

I have never been influenced by alcohol, not in my family, but ours was a different situation.
Our abuse came from (you may not believe me, but it's true) the church. My father was a religious zealot, that showed no love, and did about anything the opposite of what a loving father would do, all in the name of god, and church.
I was never sexually abused, but in any other way robbed of even the most decent rights of a child.

It was thanks to a youth group leader, who for the first time in my life showed me in his way of living fatherly love! I would not understand God loving me if it wasn't for him to show me.

But still today I wrestle with thoughts that perhaps my dad was right... Perhaps I am not really a super motivated, super successful business man, and most likely I became that way, because of his words. I wonder if I can break free from it.

So far the church did not have an answer, and it's actually the first time in my life, that I contemplate on praying for it, bringing it to God (never thought about this before)...

Anyways, thanks for your advice, but if I'm very honest with you, we don't really have any group of people we can go to with our problems.
That's why I went online. The anonymity and a large crowd of people that could possibly give me advise are an advantage over a small group.


Dec 02, 2010
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To Meelee
by: Angie Carter

Coming from the type of background you mentioned I offer you congrats for being in a stable relationship! That's a big accomplishment in itself. As a recovering addict/alcoholic it is easy for me to compare myself to others who have succeeded more than I and then feel bad. I was encouraged (by my recovery friends) to always look at where I came from and the successes I have made thus far.

It is easy not to push myself and reach a little further to expand my successes, learn more, move up because of being raised in a dysfunctional family. I still have plenty of old tapes that play in my head that really block me from actualizing my full potential. I work on it and keep on trying!!

Do you have a ACA or ACDF support group in your area (Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families) I get a lot of good support there and it is very helpful. If not, you can work on your thinking and try to continually make "new beliefs" over the old ones...the ones that keep us down and not moving forward. I NEVER thought I would be a counselor, I dropped out in the 10th grade, worked in factories all my life, and didn't really believe I could do anything else. I surrounded myself with people who believed in (after I got clean and sober) and I kept pushing myself - and praying and the doors started opening up for me. They can for you too. Good luck Meelee.

Angie Carter

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