I would like some help regarding old wounds and Letting Go

I AM A 55 YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH 1 DAUGHTER IN HER 30'S. While she was growing up I had a drug addition that left her feeling abandoned and sad. I always provided for her but maybe not in the right ways. I have been clean from drugs for 13 years and from alcohol for 5 years. I have been apologizing and asking for forgiveness for the past 10-12 years to no avail.

Things will be fine between us for short periods of time, I constantly help her financially, probably out of guilt, but I too was a single mom and know how hard it can be. She is a single mother of my granddaughter and feel as thought I have been there for her since my sobriety but forgiveness eludes me. To the point of being bullied verbally by her. If anyone has gone through something similar to this your advise would be appreciated

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Oct 19, 2016
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To "Old Wounds and Letting Go"
by: Angie Carter

It can be quite difficult for adult children to deal with the aftermath of being raise by a parent with an addiction (I speak from experience as I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, single parent who raised one child in this unhealthy environment)

After I got sober I tried to do a lot of things to "make up" for my behaviors while I was in my active addiction. I made verbal amends which was met with "That's okay Mom, you did the best you could" And then proceeded to try improve things for my son.

Things were fine for quite a while, then in his 30's deep seated feelings began to surface occasionally. I believe he still struggles with conflicting feelings towards me. On one hand his is extremely grateful for my sobriety and has respect for me and on the other he has the battle scars, hurts and anger from being raised by an alcoholic parent.

I also was raised in this type of environment, although I happen to be very very close to my mother. When I got sober and was in my 30's things about my childhood began to rear their head...up until that point it didn't seem to have bothered me.

I remember one instance when I tried to bring these things up(issues, concerns, feelings) to my mother but she did not know how to address them. She basically told me, "I did the best I could." End of story.

I realized that if I were to heal from these things I was going to have to find a way to work through them and it wasn't going to be my mom that "validated" those experiences and provide me with what I needed in order to heal.

I sought out good counselors who knew how to deal with these issues and I joined a support group for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families or ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)which is another very good support group. It was there I found the help and healing I needed - along with a good therapist.

You might trying encouraging your daughter to research these options and see if it can help. If she would be willing to talk with me I can provide her with a free 20 minute consultation to explain what these support groups are.

Good luck!
Angie Carter

Sep 11, 2016
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Time to Let Go!
by: KWood

Sorry for how you feel you "owe" this adult daughter every and anything she wants even verbally abuses you.You shouldnt feel obligated anymore and live your life without an open checkbook.Sounds like she is totally taking advantage of those "lost" years,where is her Child Support or the Childs Father?If she loves you she wouldnt be this way,she needs the help and you need to stop enabling this "guilt trip".What you had was a disease,you have healed and you should be so proud of yourself,old wounds are just that,old wounds.If I held on to all the terrible things my Parents did I would be wasting my life away.I chose to be far away from them as it was a Toxic Environment.She has forgiven you and is using guilt to be a financial burden.They say time heals all wounds,its time to live and recover the years you wasted and remember you should be so proud of yourself and you own no one an explanation,this is part of your recovery.Verbal Abuse is totally uncalled for,everyone has done something wrong in there lives so dont continue,best wishes.

May 21, 2016
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You have made amends
by: Cecelie

You tell her you are so sorry and you are not like that anymore
that you love her and hope for a relationship based on that love and respect.
Love ,and respect yourself you are doing great and that should be enough, family should be supportive of you.
Love is not guilt stop feeling guilty , honest communication is a start and a little loving discipline ,please do not put yourself through the wringer after what you have come through, it,s okay to say " no" .It may be difficult at first ,you could start by saying I will need to think about it, play for time and don't give in so easily . Keep on ,keeping on ,you have done good

Jul 30, 2015
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Update to healing old wounds
by: Patty

Im not sure how this works, but I would like to Thank you for your comforting responses.
As of late, my daughter has decided to keep my Grand daughter from me. This little girl has been in my life for the last 8 yrs. I have spent 3-4 days a month with her for the last 8 yrs. (We are 200 miles apart) so I have been with as much as I could. My daughter is expecting another baby at the end of Aug and I fear she will do the same with this baby. My heart is broken, and I am seeking Gods wisdom and professional counseling to deal with this.
I know that I have to let go and "let God".

Jul 22, 2015
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JUST LOVE HER.
by: girlinredjacket

hi,
you said you were sorry, as a Mom I know you feel badly. o.k. it is time to let the universe do it s job. she will forgive you one day, know this. it will be far more healthy for you, to be happy and let her know you love her. that s it.
more I am sorry s. let go now, it will work itself out.
god bless

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