I want to change this but I find myself giving in

by Melinda
(OHIO)

I have a 38 year old middle child, a son, who has been addicted to drugs for ten years, has been in jail possibly more than hes been out, and has never been able to hold down a job for very long. He has a long history of getting involved with psycho women who he has a hard time letting go of. This most recent woman even stabbed him. He doesnt have a drivers license, yet he manipulates me into letting him drive my vehicle. I have been told by a judge in another county that if he catches my son driving a vehicle in my name, he will see that I go to jail.

My son at times has a big heart, and his words reflect that, but his actions does not. He does not respect me or my rules, and I know it is because I always back down. I feel that I am afraid of the backlash if I cut him off, and I fear for his very life if I cut him off.

I dont know what to do, I am at my wits end. I think 20 years is long enough to take care of someone who should be taking care of themselves. I feel guilty for enabling him, and sometimes feel because I did this to him, I am responsible for continuing to help him, yet I know if I dont stop he will never take the steps he needs to be independent of me...(until I die and he has to)

I am 61, on disability, and

I am tired.

Comments for I want to change this but I find myself giving in

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May 06, 2017
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Awesome!
by: Don Carter

Now THAT is taking action Melinda!

I recommend starting a Families Anonymous (FA) Meeting because it is for anyone affected by drugs, alcohol, etc. Angie and I started one in our hometown and it took off very quickly.

In FA there can be cross-talk and feedback to each other, unless the group decides against that.

Click Here for how to order free resources and literature

You can also contact them with questions on how to start a group: Click Here

Good luck and keep us updated!

Don Carter

May 04, 2017
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thanks Don.
by: Anonymous

I am going to do everything in my power to change this situation by changing ME. Whether i am successful remains to be seen. I am looking for a nar anon meeting near me but there doesnt seem to be one. Since my county is one of the worst in ohio for opiods, I am going to try to get a nar anon meeting or at least a support group started. When I was at the jail yesterday to visit my son and tell him i will not help him if he continues this way of life, I was talking to the other parents in the waiting room and they all agreed that a support group would be helpful, so I may have a new purpose for my life!

May 03, 2017
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Remember the three C's
by: Don Carter

Melinda,

The guilt and shame are part of the trap that keeps us stuck in enabling behaviors. I know some very tenacious people who have tried everything to "get through" to the addict, but addiction does not respond to logic, effort, tears, or evidence. So be good to yourself and remember the three C's...

You didn't cause it!
You cannot control it!
You cannot change/cure it!

But you CAN turn it over to a Power Greater than yourself -- Prayers are our most powerful tools! Google the Serenity Prayer if you don't already know it.

Blessings,
Don Carter

May 01, 2017
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to Mary
by: Anonymous

I had not seen the last comments until today, Mary. These last few days I have been through yet another round of bs with my son ending up in jail again. I am relieved hes in there and that makes me sad. I had not been on this site for several days.

May 01, 2017
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Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for your kind words. I know what I need to do, I just dont understand why I am afraid to do it. One of my fears is that he will end up dead, and it will be my fault either way - if i help him and he dies its my fault for helping him and if i dont help him its my fault because i didnt. I have a counseling appt Mayb 9, I wish there were meetings close to me I could go to. Thats where I will start.

May 01, 2017
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Accept the advice that you are given.
by: Mary

I am astonished that you can say that nobody on this site is trying to help you. These last comments from people who are going out of their way to help you are excellent helpful advice.

I notice in your comments that you actually know what needs to be done in your sons situation. You just have to step up to the plate and get it done.

Its not easy to see our children be people that we are not proud of, but eventually our children become adults and we have to accept who they are and let them go.

Its time for you to take the little life that you have left and use it to enjoy yourself.

Apr 25, 2017
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Alanon or Naranon
by: Don

Hey Melinda,

Sorry you are caught up in all this chaos, but glad to see you reaching out for help. It may sound harsh, but AD is correct... the best thing you can do for him is to help yourself and learn to detach with love.

It is our nature to want to help the ones we love. It is normal to help them get on their feet if they get knocked down. It is normal to want to cheer them up when they are sad and hurting. It is normal to want to enable them to improve their life... But addiction is NOT normal so it does not respond to normal family problem-solving.

In fact, "helping" in these ways can, and often does, backfire because it takes him out of experiencing the consequences of his choices. Those consequences can be painful, but pain is something that can get his attention.

So to get help for yourself reach out to a local Alanon or Naranon group and attend at least 6 consecutive meetings. If you miss one, start over so they can be consecutive meetings before you decide if that is a meeting you can call home. They will teach you how to let go and how to get out of your son's way so he can experience healthy consequences and maybe reach out for help too.

They will also teach the THREE C's... "You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it."

You may also want to talk with an addiction professional and have some one-on-one counseling to get help, heal up, and let go.

Take care and blessings to you.

Don

Apr 23, 2017
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thank you
by: Anonymous

thank you for caring enough to answer with a comment

Apr 22, 2017
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Keep up strong and offer tough love
by: AD

Hi Melinda,

You are a wonderful mother who is trying to help your son and have given him so many chances to recover. You seem to be scared of his life.
The addiction is not your problem is his. Even a professional would have a hard time helping him if he commit to change, let alone you.
What I hope could help you is taking care of yourself and cut all ties with him that would enable his behavior. He will survive. I would not want to bail him out, neither would allow him to drive your car without a licence. If he goes to jail, so be it, he has to account for his behaviour. That probably is a chance for him to quit and to ask for professional help.
It is not you fault. Please do not try to guilt or shame yourself. That is my thoughts and prayers go to you and him. AD

Apr 22, 2017
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Anyone out there?
by: Melinda

i guess there isnt anyone interested in helping me on this site

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