I unconditionally love my husband

by Anonymous
(Canada)

My husband had a revelation that the missing passion in his life is a problem he doesn't want to live with. I'm a passionate person but my husband doesn't see me that way. He feels a lack of confidence and harmony in being with me even though we've been together for 15 years. I've been patient for the most part and faced a lot of rejection, feeling that it was something I was doing wrong. Instead of dealing with the problem, we distracted ourselves with other activities. I feel now that I enabled him to avoid the underlying problem.

My husband turns out to be clinically depressed with low self esteem, lacking confidence in general and fears loneliness. I share similar feelings to a much lesser degree. So, I can empathize but do not understand the depth of this type of suffering as I can simply pull myself out of these thought patterns very quickly. He is also in denial of the severity of his depression, saying he accepts his depressive, melancholy tendencies and can manage them on his own or with a bit of counseling. I feel that I enabled him to sustain his states of depression and low sense of self by attacking his self esteem, or by being the person to make him feel better rather than letting him find a way to make himself feel better.

A female friend came into our lives who created a tension in our relationship. She played off of our problems where she would stoke his ego and frustration with me and fuel my anger and resentment towards him to the point where my husband and I separated. Then she hid herself from me and stated that she understands and sympathizes with my husband and will always be a friend to him. He has empathy for her mental illness and wants to be friends with her. He also found himself passionately attracted but because of her mental illness chose to only be friends. The three of us seem to have withdrawn ourselves from each other. By doing this we have stepped out of the Victim-Rescuer-Persecuter game that it clearly was.

My husband and I had been maintaining daily communications in order to check in on our states of well-being and for him to be able to help me out in my time of need from his abandonment. By doing so, it misled me into thinking that he wants to come back to me. His focus at the moment is to analyze himself and he is completely numb and emotionally distant in his feelings towards me. He can't even process being with anybody. The only emotions he associates with me are sympathy, anger and worry. After a counseling session, it came to light that my husband cannot give me the emotional and physical support that I want at this time or perhaps ever and his presence becomes a constant reminder of the pain and for me to remain in a helpless state of suffering. This situation feeds his self hate and desire to be punished instead of helping him feel better and gain a better understanding of himself. My intention by cutting off communications is to end the cycle of co-dependency but I do not want to do this maliciously or in a way that he would interpret it as punishment.

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