I talk and I talk... but I never talk about 'it'.

by Kathleen
(Phoenix AZ)

Artist: Kathleen D. Cone

Artist: Kathleen D. Cone

I'm a 55 yr old woman who recently began having panic attacks... If any of you have ever experienced a panic attack, you know how horrifying they can be!

The panic attacks went on day after day after day for 8 days until my PC doc gave me clonazepam to stop the occurrences...

but obviously medication is not the answer. I've read through this forum and it's heartbreaking realities that so much describe the false person I am and the way I have learned to suppress all of these things for 55 years, until now.

I must say I feel safer knowing that there are those of you in the mental health field that cared enough to take the time to help figure out ways in which to help not only children but adult survivors like myself and I'm very grateful that you dedicated your life so I could finally start living.

The Iceberg imagery is so easy to follow and I love how at the end of each chapter you offer "Lets have a discussion of childhood issues".

Well, one of my fears stems from spending my childhood being threatened by my mother, to be put me in an asylum for the insane. And the on going reminders that I was crazy (due to a breakdown I had when I was around 11 years old having experienced what is called "emotional blindness" from the crazymaking going on at home)and how she could use this as proof.

But later day.. Monday... I am finally going to go up to a clinic where a large number of psychologists have their practices as part of my provider network and being courageous enough to at least see what the facilities look like and how it makes me feel and to just go through the experience to build up the courage to call and make an appointment... and I want to say I'm very proud of myself.

Unlike in my Mothers time, people are not institutionalized they way they were when I was a child and I can finally begin to get at the root of the pain I have carried for all these years...

Thank you for this forum and the encouraging way you offer such sound understanding. I really do want to know who I am... I've wanted to know this for as long as I can remember... and now I begin the journey to find out.

With much Love, Kathy

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Feb 01, 2010
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Hi there
by: Lyn

Kathy that is wonderful news that you are getting the support you need after so long and that more importantly you are willing to take the steps towards your own recovery.

I loved the Iceberg Presentation too when i first came across it, it is what brought me to this site too. I have a lot of childhood trauma from the abuse from my cold and angry mother too also a lot of loss in my life. Like you it is only recently that I started to accept how hurt and damaged I had been as a child and adolescent.

Your mother sounds like she had/has a lot of problems herself and perhaps with that degree of crazymaking at home she suffered with something along the lines of borderline personality disorder projecting and blaming her illness onto you. These types of mothers and narcissistic ones (like mine) can cause so much damage to their children. Be gentle and kind to yourself Kathy as you begin healing and facing your more painful memories, the grief can be difficult to face sometimes but bit by bit it gets easier.

Good luck Kathy in finding out who you are.

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