i stopped enabling my 45 year old son, who is addicted to meth.

I am a 65 year old mother of an adult son, and adult daughter who has blessed my life with 3 grandchildren. I am disabled, and physically unable to respond efficiently as I used to. I am also caregiver to my 88 year old father. My son has had a hard childhood. I was deeply involved with the social and Legal issues of the 1960s. I raised him to question authority, and actively pursue peaceful activism. I moved to my hometown close to my parents, realizing that I needed help raising my family. I never hand support from their fathers. My hometown did not embrace my culturally mixed children as I expected. I also landed a good paying job with benefits in our small town's law enforcement agency. At 12 years old, my son's rejection of this change became very difficult. At they eye of 14, was shot by one of his "friends", and lost sight in his left eye. He became angry and rejected attempts of family efforts to help him. This is the source of my guilt. I was unable to help him deal with all the conflicting changes, that should have helped him. Now, at 45, he has spent more time incarcerated than free. The bulk of his legal issues involve drugs. Meth has been his drug of choice despite numerous painful attempts too get straight. I have tried too help,by taking him in too "start over" for 30 agonizing years. Asset my health declines, I'm aware of becoming vulnerable....a condition I'm having trouble accepting. But his latest actions have become unbearable. He had an overdose recently, jeopardizing his sister and her family's health ancestry welfare. I feel that I longer have the ability to help him. He is VERY vocal about all my failures as a mother. I feel that it is time for me to stop enabling him and have advised him that he is no longer welcome here until gets straight and becomes self sufficient. He is an intelligent, loving man when he is straight. But I fear that his present and reoccurring condition is such a strain on my spirit, that I'm feeling trapped and unable to maintain my own life. I have closed the door to him. I believe that he has become so distorted, that he has lost touch with reality. Our legal system fails this kind of issue, and so he has become like many people, homeless. This nightmare come to an end on my mind because I have chosen to stop communications with him "until the time when he is straight, and self sufficient". This is so hard. I love my child with all the instincts a mother can have, yet in his eyes, I have, again caused him to be homeless. I'm exhausted, am will close now. But I would welcome input from anyone in this kind of situation. Is there hope for him? Is there a better way to handle this? Sincerely, Mary

Comments for i stopped enabling my 45 year old son, who is addicted to meth.

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 01, 2015
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
addicted to meth
by: Anonymous

I was checking constantly this blog and I'm impressed! Very useful information specially the last part :) I care for such information much. I was seeking this particular information for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.

May 05, 2015
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thin line between dislike and wish you would just leave me alone
by: Anonymous

My son is 41, years old. I had 5 children and my husband did not provide for me or my children they are all 6 years apart except for my twins they were 10 year apart from my middle child. With the grace of God and my mother I was able to provide a nice house and things that was needed. My older 3 children went to private school. I worked and went to school so I could provide for my kids. The choice that my son made in life was what he wanted to do. Over the years I have helped him and his family in many
ways. This man is lazy and really don't want to work. His wife left him because of his drinking. I put him in detox, then from there he went to medical because of his kinney then rehab for 28 days. Now he has landed back in my home once again. All he does is eat non stop play and talk on his phone does nothing around the house. I even have to tell him to shower. I has gotten to the point I hate looking at him I just want him to get away from me. I have been taking too my Pastor trying to keep my mind together. I work at night when I come home my house was peaceful, now all I hear is the door closing in and out. Cabinets frid closing. I feel like I am about to lose my mind. I pray I ask God why is this burden on me. I have made up my mind he has to go. I am 63 years old I raised my kids they never wanted for nothing. I spend so much money helping him in these lost to month it has become a strain on me. I even write in a dairy to keep my sanity. Please any advice to help me. I am really starting to almost hate him for what he has done and doing and I now this is now God like. My household was so peaceful before he came there. Now my house feel so heavy and dirty from his mess. HELP

May 25, 2014
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Three C's
by: Don Carter

Hi,

In my experience working with people over the years I have found that if 10 other people were dealt the same cards as your son in childhood then only 1 or 2 would have taken the drug addiction path.

The others may have resorted to alcohol, or work, or eating, or sexing, or therapy, or or healthy coping. In other words, life circumstances don't cause addiction. The person who gets addicted has gravitated to their drug of choice as a means of altering their mood - unhealthy and ineffective coping.

Once a person chooses an object (food or drugs) or activity (working or sex) that alters their mood in just the way that they want, then they get caught on the path of "chasing the dragon" - that was the old term for heroin addiction back in the 60's.

Chasing the dragon refers to the fact that those first "really good highs" hooks the addict into pursuing the same mood change - they never catch the dragon of course because the power and novelty of the first times become more and more elusive as our chemistry adapts to the presence of the drug. (addictive activities like sexing and working release feel-good drugs into our system if we are set up that way - so its all drug addiction)

This is why starting with pot can lead to other things - if it gives those first powerful highs that the person loves, they will pursue it and begin experimenting with stronger drugs to try and catch the dragon (i.e., try to recapture the first, most powerful experiences)

Addiction is addiction, pure and simple. Trying to fix, rescue, or otherwise control it is a mistake. According to the Three C's of Alanon - you didn't "Cause" it, You can't "Control" it, and you can't "Cure" it. But help is available for your son, he has to reach out and take that help - pain might bring him to that point which is why I think of pain as our friend.

There is only one answer to the question "why does an addict have to use drugs, drink, etc?" -- because they have the disease of addiction.

Meth addiction is scary to watch and I am sorry you have to watch your son go through this. Do him and yourself a favor -- keep refusing to accept his emotional blackmail as a means of trying to control you to enable his using.

You may also benefit from expert guidance on how to heal YOURSELF if you find a Codependents Anonymous, Naranon, or open Alanon Meeting to attend weekly. Then go to 6 consecutive meetings before making a decision if its right for you.

My prayers are with you and him,
Don

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Enabling Behavior Discussion Forum.