I keep bailing out my grown daughter with money.

by Anon
(MD)

My 41 y/o daughter who has 2 grown children has a long history of losing or quitting jobs, 3 failed marriages, a long history with an abusive boyfriend---over now---3 suicide attempts, etc. My DH died 9 months ago, she is jobless & facing a DUI, owes a lot of big bills & lives with me now, b/c she defaulted on her last apt.

She wants her own way, & screamed really horrible things at me last week, things involving my religion, even a remark about my late husband, her Dad, etc. I know she is terrified of going to jail for this 2nd DUI & is extremely anxious.

I have paid her car note, car insurance & cell bill. She wants me to pay for a counseling group that she thinks would make it go easier on her in court & I haven't bitten on that one.
My DH & I many times paid her rent, etc. in earlier yrs., so she could keep her kids with her.


My grief counselor from Hospice, says this behavior last week borders on elder abuse, at least emotionally. She is concerned for me. I feel used, hurt & angry. Today she gave me a half-a$$ed apology & I said OK, but I don't want to talk about it. I know discussing it would set her off again.

We have an alcoholic son that we did not enable, but I now realize that we have enabled this daughter w/o realizing that it was enabling. I want to stop. She does not like boundaries & says I am a control freak. I love her a lot, but realize that I don't like her much anymore.
I am 75 & on a fixed income.

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Sep 25, 2010
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Boundaries
by: Anonymous

Hello Anon,

It sounds like your kind heart is not only enabling her bad behavior, but that you are being abused to boot. I would think giving her "the boot" would be a loving thing to do for both of you.

If that seems a bit too much for you right now... you might give her a choice. Write down your top NON-NEGOTIABLE rules for living with you, along with "the boot" if she fails to follow those rules.

You can tell her that if she signs the contract and abides by it she can stay. If she signs it and does not abide by it she has to leave (You can get a restraining order with the help of your grief counselor).

If she flat out refuses to sign it, then SHE has chosen to leave because you will not tolerate that kind of behavior or treatment. (again, your grief counselor can help you get a restraining order and the police or sheriff will enforce it.

Let us know how this goes or if you have questions.

Good luck and God Bless,
Don

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