I just can't put him on the street...

by CKC
(Oregon, USA)

My son was pretty well behaved during high school. Graduated. Had a job. Moved in with his girlfriend and seemed to be doing well. Yeah we knew he smoked pot and didn't like it, but I'd "been there, done that" and survived. They went to Job Corps together, broke up, dropped out, got back together, broke up again. He hasn't been the same since.

His biological fathers family (which he has never met but speaks to on the phone) consists of drug addicts and alcoholics. Some in recovery and some on the road to premature death.

He's always known growing up that addiction can be biological. He was always told the dangers. He hated his bio father for picking drugs & alcohol over raising him.

He's 21 now. Been living back at home over a year. No job. Doesn't do housework, is messy and has a ton of other 20-somethings over every night drinking at our fire pit in the back yard. Somehow he became a world class know-it-all over the last year. He's anti-establishment, anti-medication (other than legal MJ) and anti-suggestions.

He has celiacs disease. Any wheat products make him feel horrible with lots of side effects (I won't go into it, it's gross). But he drinks beer anyway. Says at least the alcohol in it "numbs him." We don't have enough money to constantly buy specialty foods. We also live in a small town where those food substitutes aren't readily available. He's very, very depressed.

We don't have any family in our state. He won't seriously look for a job. He's determined to spin fire for a living (he's actually really good, but it never pays any money!) and nothing else. He constantly begs money for "food." He asks for money to play pool. I give it to him out of guilt and just wanting him to have some "fun" in his life. I think maybe 1/2 goes for food. I also give it to him so he'll go out and take his friends with him. Just a little peace for a little while.

Everyone tells me I need to kick him out. How can I do that? He has NOWHERE to go! We live in a small town. He'll literally be on the street. That would cause worse depression! I am the only person in his life that has unconditionally loved him. My husband who has been his dad since he was 2, is treating him like an unwanted home invader. My daughter says she hates him now.

He's a great musician and can draw amazing art. He won't even try to use them for employment. He say's he can't. He can only draw when he's angry/sad (by now he should have an amazing portfolio goin') and doesn't want to be in that mode all the time. I've told him he has to help out. To have friends over less, to stop getting drunk everyday. To go job hunting every day even if he ends up with 3 or 4 apps at every business in town (our town has approx 14% unemployment).

He gets so angry when I tell him he's heading down the same path as his bio dad and his family. He cries and tells me he isn't like him. He has a purpose, he just doesn't know what it is yet. He cries and tells me he is soooo unhappy. Then he starts yelling and we fight and he's always right and I'm always wrong. I don't know anything because I'm not in my 20's now.
All the experience I had with drugs/alcohol/domestic violence/homelessness/depression/anxiety and loneliness has nothing to do with him. I just "don't understand and never will."

I was homeless for a time while I was pregnant with him and again after he was born. My father had a 4 bedroom house and only him and his wife living there. I had a job. I wasn't doing any drugs or drinking. My parents never knew I did anyway until I told them many, many years later. I could pay my own way with food/electric, etc and was willing to pay rent to him. I just couldn't afford an apartment on my own. My father wouldn't let me move in because his bitch of a wife told him she'd leave him if I did. He let me be homeless. He left me. He abandoned me when I needed him most. How can I do the same to my own son?

What if I kick him out and he commits suicide because he feels abandoned again? What if he ends up worse? What if he never speaks to me again? What if he just disappears? What if he truly can't get employment and kicking him out dooms him to live on the streets in the nearest city (Portland, OR). What if he starts doing worse drugs? Meth, heroine, coke...right now he sticks to booze, pot and mushrooms. He says he doesn't want to quit any of these things.

He wants medical MJ. He won't even take an ibuprofen for a headache. He won't take medication of any kind. He chastises me for taking prescription medication. He doesn't have health insurance. I neglected his dental health while he was growing up. That is where a lot of my guilt lies. He says he's in pain because of his teeth, a lot. And I believe it. I was a bad mom when it came to spending money on dental care.

He asks how my husband can be so upset with him when he himself drinks everyday. 2-4 beers. Never drunk, just everyday. A whole other issue...

I feel like I'm loosing my whole family. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I love my son so much. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can make myself do. Please help me.

CKC in Oregon