I just can't let go

I was almost 13 years old when I last saw my father. His last words to me, I'll see you next weekend....next weekend never came. I was just starting high school when my father decided he was no longer going to play a role in my life. As a child I always thought my dad was going to save me. He was going to make everything better, but nothing got better.

I was nine, my dad was in jail when I had my first thoughts of suicide. He was gone and couldn't save me. I had such resentment for my mom. She always had to be the bad guy in my father absence. My father was in and out of jail throughout my childhood which was probably worse then just being gone. He would come and raise my hopes then disappear for months or years at a time.

I have felt incomplete for years...I have missed him for years. Everyone told me to forget him, that I should hate him, but I couldn't. I have been left with a need to find a reason for my father abandonment.