I have had it with enablers!

by mom
(Iowa)

Hi I am a mom of a 24 year old who's been drinking since she was 16. She has 2 DUI's now both high BAC (.186 and .192)

When she got the first one, I cut her off financially when she was in college and told her it was time to go to treatment and stop the drinking. She went to my wealthy family and they went behind my back and paid her bills. I didnt find this out until about a year after the DUI. My daughter slowly stopped speaking to me. She then started talking to me again after she appealed her conviction, lost, and was on probation for a year. A year later she got another DUI.

She hid the second DUI from me, goes to my parents and two sisters. They have continued to pay her tuition , buy her a car etc. My daughter just graduated from nursing school. I wasn't invited but my whole enabling family went. Thats when Grandma rewarded her with a car.

M daughter was on probation for 12 months for the second DUI. Because I discovered her dad who is a judge was interfering in the legal system I got very involved. I knew she was drinking on probation and reported her. She was posting to her facebook pages her drunken partying. Thru a year of probation she violated probation and had 3 failed interlock reports and 6 failed random alcohol tests. The legal system wasnt going to do anything, her dad kept showing up at the hearings.

Now my family keeps giving her money. She is supposed to take her boards but I think they are investigating the info I sent the nursing board about her. She spent the last 3 weeks in Vegas and Miami partying. Yet, my parents say things like she's 24 years old...you cannot control her!

I know I cannot force her to treatment but I also know if they do not stop enabling she will never consider treatment. I am hoping that the nursing board will give her a chance at nursing but put her in treatment. (Thatst what they told me they could do, if she proves to be a good risk they can force her into treatment. Makes u feel real great if you r a patient huh? And, How come its OK they force her but I can't. I digress. )

Thats all I ask...she actually be told she needs treatment,. After that I cannot do anything more.

AUGH

How do I get them to stop?

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Sep 06, 2016
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Enablers
by: Anonymous

I so know exactly how you feel. Both of my grown children are addicts and so is my daughter's bf. I currently hold POA for the grandchild because dad's in jail and mom is who-knows-where (rehab after rehab). I have fought my own family (enablers); my kids' father (addict and enabler) and now I am in a constant battle with the bf's mother: a complete enabler in total denial. It is beyond frustrating to deal with people who don't even bother to educate themselves on the issue, especially when they've been begged. She tells me "oh grow up. ultimately there's nothing we can do but keep faith, support, etc.". Uh, yeah, but we CAN CONTRIBUTE TO IT. And she does! Repeatedly. Moms out there reading this: if you have a child who is addicted, DO NOT ENABLE. This may "feel" like love, but it's actually killing them, slowly!

Sep 21, 2012
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NO CONTROL OVER OTHERS
by: Anonymous

You can't get them to stop. You have to face the fact that you have no control over their actions, nor your daughters. You have done everything possible to try to help her and also the patients that she might come into contact with. Considering the information you gave the nursing board, they have the right to make her go into treatment or they will not give her a license even if she should pass her boards. Understand also that your daughter must make the choice to recover. You cannot make it for her. She is the one who must WANT to recover. Until that day comes there is nothing you can really do to help her. Lovingly detach. Let her know that you will be there for her if she should decide to go into treatment but that you will not support her until that time. Hope this helps a bit. Namaste.

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