I have been hyper vigilant my whole life....

by Allison
(Minnesota)

My hyper vigilance has always been with me. It has always alerted me to danger and a frozen state of mind unable to move emotionally and physically when I feel threaten Just by seeing a situation appear.Why couldn't I have found this stuff out 30yrs ago? At 51years old I feel tired and worn out from all the emotional stuff. I want to break free so bad that I can hardly stand it.I am trying to find my real self but I don't know who I am. I really don't know who I am. What I believe. What I think. I can't even connect to myself from the past.

Now for the third time I am depressed. I think I have always been set up to not expect anything in life. For things to get better. Money wise, house wise, people wise. Taught how not to expect anything. Not even emotional support. Ugh...


I am really grateful to have found this site....

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Mar 04, 2013
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simply a pain
by: Anonymous

ive felt totaly lost for the last 40 odd years and not really known why. but after the death of my father i have realised its because i was never wanted i was an inconvience to both of them, i was a sickly child and at three years old was left in such pain each night calling for mum or dad to help me to be given a bucket to be sick in as the pain was so bad it made me sick , and when i recovered from that i was then sent to my grandmothers house when ever school hoildays were on, i didnt fit in with what my parents wanted in life they certainly didnt want a child ! and i realised i didnt want them .

i really hadnt realised what damage had been caused by this as i have normalised it and work on making sure my children know they are loved ,however ive nvever been able to conect with any one who loved me ive just looked at them and its never dawned on me what love is and oi see the dispare in my husband eyes and i dont want him to feel this pain i really dont know how to fix this but i am willing to try and understand what is happening now im free of both parents

Dec 19, 2012
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Still there 50 years on hyper vigilance
by: Anonymous

I needed to reply to this as i too have been hyper vigilant since childhood and still am now at 50. I had to be vigilant or i got into trouble. Getting into trouble is my trauma. Now to make matters worse i am severely deaf. My pyscholoical abuse came from school from the teachers and children in class. My mother did not help matters either as she did not want to have a child that was not normal.

It only really dawned on me at 40 that i had problems. I knew something was wrong but it took a nervous break down to awaken me. My mother remote controlled my life until i was 40 also. I am married with 3 children.

Having carried this illness all my life sucks. it is very hard to be able to break the bonds the have put me here. where do i start when there are many different areas i have to tackle in order to be able to even start healing. it also sucks that it takes such a long time to be able to unravel this mess inside of me. there are very few professional who know how to treat people like myself and because it is so intrench it is hard to crack the brick wall that protects us.

will it ever end. I have Complex Post Traumatic Distress Disorder or Personality Disorder or Distress Disorder Not Specified

Aug 16, 2012
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First things First...
by: Don

Hi Allison,

Between 40 and 50 years old is the peak age for "hitting bottom" and deciding to take on issues of childhood.

I had a friend who would tell you..."You are right were you are supposed to be at this moment in your life." She would also explain that these times in our life can be opportunities for growth ~ they can motivate you to do something!

Now, if you are depressed then that is the first thing to get stabilized ~ Safety first! (I think your hyper-vigilant part would agree with me) If you are currently in an emotional basement, then you do not possess the wherewithal to do the work of healing abandonment issues... not until your depression has been treated and stabilized, in other words, not until you get out of the emotional basement and onto the first floor where you can find the energy to do the work of recovery.

Next, when you do get there, come back here and take a look at our Transforming the Inner Family of Self (TIFS) coaching program.

Click here to read more about TIFS.

If you find the information on this site useful and enlightening, then you will benefit greatly from TIFS. I have had people who have been in and out of therapy for years say they got more out of just the assessment phase of TIFS than all the counseling combined...and that's not even the most powerful part of the process!

Check it out but only after taking care of "First things First"!

Blessings,
Don

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