I have abandonment issues, am a parent and want to break the cycle!!!

by Arycin
(PA)

I don't remember much about my childhood except that I was always very independent. I stopped drinking out of a bottle on my own and asked my mom for a cup instead, I stopped sucking on my thumb on my own; I remember thinking to myself, "I am going to stop sucking on my thumb" and did it.

As a teenager, I was very confined to my house. I was not allowed to socialize with friends. As an adult of 20 years of age, I was not allowed to go to the movies with friends or sit on the step with friends. At the age of 21, though, I was left alone. Alone with no social skills. My parents decided to move to PR and since we, my brother and I wanted to stay, they left us. Just that simple. I remember feeling, "wow, I have all these freedom and do not know what to do with it." At that time, I was involved with a guy who was locked up, so since I was used to being confined, I decided to wait for him. I lasted five years.

After that, I moved in with my very best friend and partied for a couple of years, saying to myself, "wow, this is what freedom feels like?" I then started dating one guy - didn't work - then my daughter's father. That defenitely didn't work, but at the age of 28, I had become pregnant. When my relationship with her father failed, I took it ver hard and that's where the abandonment issues began to surface.

I've had two other failed relationships since then - one of them being married to the guy from jail. It seems that every time a relationship fails, I feel all of those abandonment issues all over again, and I become very depressed whether it is my decision to end the relationship or not.

I have an almost 11-year old daughter, and I feel like I abandon her, although she tells me I don't. It is very true, when I read that our parents are only the reflections of their parents. My thing is that I do not want to become a reflection of mine. I know I have the power to change that and that's why I'm pouring out my heart and soul to a bunch of strangers...

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Apr 24, 2012
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Reflect good choices
by: Don

Hi Arycin,

The only way to change the family dance is to change yourself.

It sounds like to me you had to parent yourself because you were not given the structure, socialization, and stimulation (time, attention, affection, and direction) that you needed...so you did what you could yourself - and you survived!

This would leave a lot of gaps in your "how-to manual" for life. Parents are supposed to teach the how-to's. You had to pick it up wherever you could (neighbors, TV shows, relatives?)

Now that you are a parent it is critical for you to demonstrate to your kids how to make good choices - like how to take care of your self, how to pursue happiness, how to overcome the past, how to love in the verb sense of the term. In order to do these things you must learn how.

Coming to this site, going to support meetings, getting therapy, prayer, etc. All of these are avenues for learning the how-to's.

I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back here to tell us about your growth! Sharing that with another person who can benefit from your learning.

Don

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