I don't want to wreck my life again.
Ok. So I have been trying very hard to deal with myself for a few years now. I've hit a roadblock and find myself reverting to unhealthy behaviours. I would like to say my piece to perhaps stop myself and maybe get some advice.
30 year old female from Southern Illinois.
Due to birth defect(of the massive hernia sort, no belly button, big scar across abdomen, and scars on limbs and neck from IVs) I spend the first three months of my life in an incubator.
My dad is an over the road truck driver, always has been. So he wasn't home much and when he was much of his free time was spend with non-immediate family and friends.
My mom has no coping skills and a crap childhood, and so her own issues with that and my dad being gone made her...difficult. Very. By the time I was a teen she was locked in her room drunk or we were fighting. She told me once that she got knocked up so that she would have someone to love her. I as a child generally felt like I was supposed to be a doll for her, and when I refused I was left to my self A LOT.
As a child from age 5-6 I played far from home (miles) 50/50 alone and with other kids. I in retrospect, get the impression that I was mean, angry, and controlling to others.
When I was 12 I was molested by an 18 yr old at a sleep over. He told people, including adults, and so my peers called me a slut and threw rocks at me. Yeah... and I realized later that it was highly likely that the parents knew he was the sort to do that. I was the only one sleeping over at a classmates house, and there was NO reason for him to be there, but he was and that seems weird to me. He eventually got busted for molesting a 4 year old...who knows how many...I never told until I was 17. I didn't date much at all.
I had sex for the first time at 18 with an older man (28) We "dated" for 6 months, we had sex for a couple weeks. He disappeared. So I had sex with a random guy at a party. Then I moved in with I guy from work. We lived together for 7 years. He drank alot and beat me regularly (well, WE fought half the time) for the first 4-5 years. We both had serious drug problems. I've been clean for 6 years. Too many specifics to get into. I finally gave him the boot.
I went to school for a trade, tried to run my own biz at it. Failed.
Then I started hanging out again with people I knew from high school again. Kinda like going home. One of these people was a divorce man who had a gf. I had had a crush on him since I was like 15. His gf lived an hour away, and he was interested, so we behaved badly for a while. Long and stupid story really. Eventually, they broke up, and I pursued him.
He and I have been living together for 2 years. He treats me better than anyone ever has. I love him more than anything. We are planning to get married. For that past 7-8 months though I have noticed that I am starting to engage in self destructive behaviours again. Mostly, blowing things out of proportion, accusing him of betrayal with no real proof, isolating myself, gaining weight for self pity, spite and to avoid unwanted attention. I've been looking hard for reasons to push him away. I've been pretty mean to him several times.
He doesn't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I really don't want to ruin this, like I ruin everything. But now I keep having thoughts about happily alienating all of my friends, setting fire to my relationship and moving to anywhere else. It started I think because he was having a period of a lower than before sex drive. And you know, all of my worth lies between my legs so, if he is tired or stressed out and doesn't want sex as often as me, it really means that he doesn't love me/is screwing around. Right. No way it could have something to do with living together for a long while and being satisfied. It has to be me.
I have days of clarity, and I have bad days. I've told him all of this. I keep trying. I really feel like I'm failing again. I need to go take a bath now. It's been a week. :(