I do love too much

by candice
(pittsburgh, pa)

I have been married for 18 years, second marriage for my husband, second for me. when we met he was (or so I thought) a non-drinker like myself. we dated and he never drank... just pop like myself... we married and shortly after our marriage (within the second year) I noticed he was drinking wine... never thought anything about it because I did not know that he was a recovering addict (he just happened to be in a dry stage when we met, dated and married) he just didn't bother to tell me this.

Not until a few years down the road did I realize he had a drinking problem (how dumb am I )... by then unknowing to me he was sneaking and buying heavy duty oxycodone drugs and using large amounts of that as well... going through our savings, sneaking, lying...

It got to the point where I called him on several things and by then he confused to using drugs, and sneaking and using our Christmas savings and our winter fund we save every year... we both work, hes self employed so we have a winter fund to help out... I work a job to carry our medical insurance and help with savings as well... plus I work w/him too.

He agreed to go to a rehab for his addiction to drugs... this place he was at was for 7 days, he stayed 5... came home totally confused and "out of it" for days following. he did good after being home for a week, no more drugs, but went back to drinking a "few beers" a night... promised he would stop...

Then our world fell apart, we worked a job together, came home and he started throwing up blood... LOTS of it. I rushed him to the emergency room and they thought he had an ulcer... sent him home, later that evening he threw up a lot of blood again and I rushed him back to the emergency... they admitted him and following morning did a procedure where they went down his throat, he had bleeding varicies. to the point where he almost bled to death... they could not even stop the bleeding at our local community hospital but had to life flight him to a big clinic to try and save his life... he was in a coma for over a week, in ICU and I didn't know for sure if I was bringing him home... I was devastated.

He has a daughter from his first marriage, I have two from mine... mine were grown, his daughter was 17 when this first incident happened... they managed to pull him through this ordeal, but the doctors told us both that my husbands liver was totally diseased with cirrhosis, his condition was complicated by hep-c (which we did not know at that time) and that he was warned he needed to not drink any type of alcohol again. they did all kinds of testing and he was put in a program with the clinic and screened and tested and saw lots of medical doctors for the first two years... they put him on meds for his hep-c to see if it could be cured... did not work for him. so the hep-c will be a life time illness for him.

Two years into this, they listed him for a liver transplant... so he was low on the list meld score of about 9 (15 being critical and need to start looking) he started to have other medical issues, breathing, lung issues, heart issues and his meld scored was moved from 9 to 22 so they started looking for a liver...before they found a liver, he had an accident while I was at work. he fell down our basement steps and broke his back in two places and needed surgery.

After the surgery he of course was on pain pills... and not but a few months later we got the call they had a liver. so he underwent a transplant... his hospital stay was suppose to be 10 days... maybe 14. our night mare turned into 40! he was in ICU for 23 of those days... he had two major infections, blood clot,, almost died twice... one infection was so bad, they took him back into the OR for over 3 hours to clean him out... he almost died then. he was so weak, from not eating, not being able to get up... he lost over 40 pounds (he was a smaller man to begin with 165 pounds) the first time the nurses got him up he had to be held by nurses and nurses aids, he could not hold himself up on his weak legs... I had to leave the room, because it broke my heart to see this. finally he came home on a pik line (strong antibiotics) I had to give him twice a day for three months, all of his anti rejection drugs... his pain meds...

I had to work still and take care of his business so it wouldn't go under... then months down the road, he needed another back operation and was still on pain meds... see what i am getting at, its a year since his transplant, under a year with the back surgery and hes totally addicted to his pain meds. whats worse is he was taking way more than he needed because he is an addict and could not help himself.

I even took control of giving him his pain meds, I would do good keeping him on what was prescribed, but he would beg me and tell me he was in pain, give him more, and I did... I am an enabler and I am so depressed, upset, ashamed, GUILTY... he is so hooked again. his family doctor all but told him to go to a pain management center or a rehab clinic... here I sit at work, cried all morning until I feel sick.. I had to leave him at home worrying that he might hurt himself... I tried to get him in the pain mgmt clinic but they are already overbooked... waiting to hear if they can squeeze him in.

When I left this morning, I told him I would take him to a rehab clinic (they have one where he was transplanted) but he wanted to wait... I know his transplant coordinator would help him. I am so sick inside for my part in this, giving in, feeling sorry, thinking I could fix everything, letting him know I will always be there for him...

I don't know where to turn. I looked up several AA meetings in our local area and found one that has a meeting later today which I plan to attend... what can I do, how did I forgive myself for letting him talk me into giving him more than he needed... and feeding his addiction... I am so guilty... and totally depressed and just don't know how to cope anymore...

I know I mis-spelled a lot of medical words, but just don't care, so please ignore my spelling. I truly need some words of comfort... encouragement... anything.