I am in an emotionally abusive marriage, so what about change?

by CHRALC
(MN)

I have realized that for about the past 9 or 10 years,I've been in an enabling, co-dependent marriage. Thinking everything was my fault, I've brought nearly 3 kiddos into this world (prego with the third), who are wonderful.

Problem? I am working full time while he completes schooling, and he works very part time at a job with no benefits. I have been carrying myself & the kids with benefits, retirement, etc., and, when I confronted him about finally making a plan for the future, he just looked at me & said, "Well, hopefully I'll have a job after school."

This comes after promising (I really do not like promises, as the enabling spouse will hang onto these as some sort of light at the end of the tunnel thing...ick) to me that there will be a change in him helping with the responsibilities. For now, I am the one who will come home, pick up after him (the children do help me, as I have trained them to, along with Grandma!), and clean & do cooking (thank the Lord he has stopped complaining everyday about it, and now limits it to, "I'm going out to Olive Garden, because I haven't had a good meal in a long time."

Apparently, my cooking is not better than Olive Garden's!). I have asked for help, which he has asked me to do (I personally think he likes me being open, "weak", and groveling at his feet), only for my suggestions (please find a "real" part time job & cut down your schooling a bit) to be "logically" (in his mind) argued away.

He loves to talk about principles - morals - Godly marriage, but when the meat & grind comes around, I see no true change. I think I am at my wits end, and yet I feel trapped because I cannot raise 3 babies on my own. Yes, he is a good father, and now, I have become the yelling one.... which is abusive to the rest of our family.

I feel guilty for having enabled his lack of responsibility for so long, yet how am I to be asking for help rather than demanding things of him (job, help, because I mentally & physically am breaking down, and he had said he would help in any way possible - which is not true).

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