Hurting

by Robin
(Tennessee)

Hello, I am 39 yrs old & was first born of my father who abandoned me & my mom when i was between the age 3 & 4 i think...my earliest memory of him was visiting him & his new wife or girlfriend around Christmas time & my brother was very little then because i remember him getting in trouble over a box of crayons...anyways i don't have another memory of him until my mother was having trouble with me as a teenager & called him after telling me for years she didn't know where he was...oh yes i might add that she did her best as a mother i guess...but she was constantly living with one guy after another & was on prescription pills..I don't remember my little brother being around a lot. I think i must have blocked a lot of things out...she also would always want me to call whichever guy she happened to be with at the time "daddy"which even at a young age made me feel uncomfortable...she married my stepdad when i was about 5 or 6 but I never felt like he really care about me or my brother. he just wanted my mom. He was abusive to her, he drank all the time & was very jealous & seemed to be angry all the time. the only time he didn't seem angry was when he was drinking & that was when he must have been getting sex from her because other wise he was beating her up & i was having to call 911. My whole childhood seems like a big blur...bits & pieces of here & there i can't remember things that you would think most kids would. min just seems to be sparatic. Anyways my mom is now 60 yrs old has had 2 strokes & can barely talk...is still in an abusive relationship & won't leave the man. She abandoned my brother by sending him to live with some family friends when he was around 12 or 13 because the guy she was living with didn't like him...now he has been in & out of prison...I love my mom but i don't understand her. Back to my dad he has 5 other kids besides my brother & me...I am the oldest...I had a semi sort of relationship with my dad from the age of 16 until a few years ago. It was a long distant relationship because he lives in another state..he would call me on the phone once or twice a yr. or i would see him 1x a yr maybe twice..now he doesn't call or come to visit or nothing ..never get a Christmas Card or birthday card..even when i did get very few of those I know it was his wife that was sending them...Now her/their kids are grown & she has grandbabies & I guess they don't have time for cards...I get that people are busy...I am a mother,stepmother of 7 total & have a grandbaby myself...I always felt like i didn't have a childhood, i have always felt as though i had to grow up to fast...but yet this whole time I have just sucked it up put on my big girl panties & did what i had to do ...So now I don't know what's going on I thought i was past all of this I thought i had forgave him for abandoning me but i guess not ...I see pictures of my dad & his wife & the other kids on FB & it makes me so mad...I get so jealous !! I start thinking how unfair it is that they get to be there with him & I never have or ever will...I could call him or go up for a visit i am sure...but I don't feel like it's my place..he abandoned me now seems like twice. I am not his parent he should call me he should make the effort to come see me and have a relationship with me not the other way around...I am so angry & I don't want to feel like this...I am the type of person who usually keeps it all together & gets the job done...I am the encourager not the discourager...I am easy to get along with...I need help with this & try to understand this hurt..so I can get on with my life

Comments for Hurting

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 19, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
hurting for you
by: Donna

Hi Robin,
Thank you so much for all your sharing of your hurting heart...I hurt for you too. Re: your father, I think it might help if you received more healing & growing before you tackle calling or writing to your father. That way, you won't feel 'out of kilter' so to speak & so wounded when you do contact him, otherwise you might only be more wounded & that 'secondary wounding' is sometimes more hurtful than the initial wounds. Here at this site are many helps for healing as well as counseling, if you can find someone who will counsel you at a lesser rate or a sliding scale plus your own reading of good books & prayers to get well. I hope this encourages you.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to The Iceberg Discussion Forum.