How to Forgive/Move On From Abandonment/Codependency and Abuse??
I am a 31 year old who is at her wit's end. At the age of 2 1/2 my parents divorced, I moved to another state with my mother while my older sister stayed with our father to finish the school year. He had visitation & on one visit, when he picked me up from the airport, he told me my mom no longer loved me or my sister & didn't want anything to do with us anymore (lies). He isolated us from our mother completely-no phone calls or visits.
He was a prominent businessman (alcoholic also) & remarried (a stripper with a coke problem). He traveled overseas frequently & we were left in his new wife's "care"-she slept most of the time. I was raped at the age of 3 by a "friend" of the family. The molestation continued for the duration of my time at my father's home. Looking back, even though I was young, I can remember protecting the man who was abusing me, although exactly why I did this, I don't know.
After my 5th birthday my mom showed up & "stole" my sister & I back. She had remarried. My father disappeared from my life completely. My mother's new husband adopted my sister & I when I was 9. My real father did not even show up to contest the adoption. I heard nothing from him for years until I was 16.
My adopted father was my world. I held him on a pedestal & was a daddy's girl, I ached for his approval & love. We had a very good, close relationship & my home life was stable. My sister was very angry with our real father & would bash him (I defended him & although I was close to my adopted dad, I longed to know my real father) yet she was not close at all to our adopted dad, she would bury herself in books, was a shy girl as opposed to my outgoing, cheerleader, artist people-pleaser personality. I was popular, had a lot of friends, made very good grades, was creative, pretty, etc. I HATED when anyone did not like me, I would cry & obsess over it, spent time & energy trying to fix it.
My real father came back into my life & it upset my adoptive dad. I tried asking my father where he had been for all those years? Why did he not try to be with us? Why did he make no effort to stop the adoption? He never gave answers that made any real sense to me and I became angry with him & my sister embraced the new relationship (which is ironic because I defended him my whole life to my sister).
My senior year in high school my mom & adopted dad divorced. He moved away & gave me an ultimatum to choose between my mom & him. Our relationship deteriorated. I did not see him for several years & when I finally did, my world was rocked-he was scheduled for a sex-change operation. I tried to be supportive, drove 6 hours to be with him for his birthday (this was the first time I saw him as a woman,even though it was pre-op). I tried to be there for him when his own brothers & friends turned their backs on him & his decision.
He called me to tell me his mother (my grandmother for all purposes) had a stroke. I immediately wanted to drive the 5 hours to see her & he told me to wait & he would call me once he got to the hospital. He never did. I tried to contact him-email, phone, letters, his brothers-all to no avail. My godfather & his best friend informed me 8 months later that my grandmother had died.
He still spoke to my adoptive dad & my adoptive dad began bashing me to my godfather. My godfather would tell me all the horrible things my hero/dad had to say about me. I could not open the lines of communication with my adoptive dad, he informed my godfather that he wanted nothing to do with me & never wanted to hear from me again. At the age of 26 I was abandoned again. I have not heard from him since.
I feel an ache/emptiness & have fallen into long term dysfunctional relationships. My last relationship (3 years long) became emotionally, verbally & physically abusive. But I still love him & don't know how to let go of this unhealthy relationship. I think I can fix it but don't know how. Everything I have tried has failed.
I just want to be loved. I just want to feel like I am worthy of love from someone that I love but it just isn't happening. I have felt depressed for over a year & have tried antidepressants but they don't really help & I hate taking some pill everyday. I want to make my relationship work, I love this man despite everything.
I need help. I am feeling hopeless, cursed, unworthy of love. I can't handle the pain that comes with life. I miss my dad everyday. I long for one of his hugs & the love that I felt while I was growing up. I also miss the child I gave up for adoption when I was 19. I am beginning to think that there is no happiness for me in this life, that I don't deserve it.
The man I have been dating has even said that he has never acted like he has in our relationship ever in his life. That I cause a response in him that is unhealthy & I make him lose control of his emotions, turning him violent. I know it is my fault. There is something wrong with me & I don't know how to make whatever it is go away. Help