He's Being Forced to Face the Pain

by mxkx

Last night my husband and I talked for the first time since I took refuge in a domestic abuse shelter. It was strange seeing how he would talk about how miserable he was and fish around for me to make him feel better by saying everything was ok and pushing my own feelings to the side.

I stuck to my guns though and refused to play the enabling game I have played so many times before. I spoke respectfully but I did not apologize or "take back" the feelings and ideas I expressed if they were not exactly what he wanted and upset him. I didn't really get anywhere with him as he seems to be really deep in denial but I did at least walk away from the conversation feeling like while I didn't gain anything I didn't really lose anything either.

I made one rather big slip up and that was pushing him to get help. Later on that night I realized that this was not going to help him at all. Even if I managed to get him to go to this website it would have made no difference if he's not really wanting help and if he doesn't really believe what is here.

I apologized to him about it this morning, and told him that I would no longer be pushing him to get help. I did make it clear however that if he came to me for advice again and I started talking about the stuff here or recommending he talk to a counselor it was not out of trying to push him but out of giving the best advice I know how to give.

What I found really fascinating about this apology was how when I realized my mistake I didn't tear myself up over it. I just accepted it as a mistake and went about making amends for it. I didn't have to feel bad about myself to feel sorry for my behavior!