help for a husband who is "a selfish, coldhearted **bleep**""

by blair
(rhode island, usa)

I am going into my 20th year with a woman 10 yrs my senior. I am 43.

She was adopted at 6 mos of age to work a holic parents. Her dad is very nice, yet never told my wife no. She never remembers mom showing or saying i love u to my wife growing up. She and her brother were always shipped off to camp in summer so mom and dad could do their own vacation thing.

My wife tells of a time she was sexually harmed by one of her dads friends. She was out of the house at 16 married to a man who spent the majority of the next 17 years in/out of jail.
We are on verge of divorce because she feels i dont love her, that im never (she uses never, always) there when she needs me most.

Example, 2 weeks ago she had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. She is incensed that i left hospital shortly after she went in to surgery to run a couple errands so i could be back when she got out of recovery and into her room. She got upset at me the next day because i didnt think to bring her a coffee or a flower. The next day, after i brought her home, she got terribly hurt that i didnt give her a hug or say I'm happy u r home. I did go to great lengths to set up her bed with all her pillows to b comfy and then made her some fish chowder as comfort food.

I have my own self esteem - childhood issues that bring problems to the marriage, but i dont know how to get her to see that she only sees the negative things i do or have done.

I have never been unfaithful. I am at a total loss.

Can someone shed any light?

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Nov 08, 2011
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Sorry...
by: Don

Hi Bleep,

Sorry to hear about your situation and that I have not answered sooner. Chances are things haven't changed much since you last wrote so I am going to assume you still want some feedback.

In my experience, what you describe is a case of severe abandonment issues...emotional trauma that is similar to Post Acute Stress Disorder (PTSD). People with severe abandonment issues get labeled with all sorts of clinical diagnoses (and many times they do fit the criteria for those diagnoses).

Whatever you call it, this trauma does not go away without treatment. Your wife will continue to have these issues and you will continue to absorb much of her anger and projected pain until you both get help. She needs help to heal her pain and you need help to find out what keeps you in a situation like this...

I can't sit here and tell you why, but I can say that it was not an accident. Some part of you is dancing a dance with your wife...one that you BOTH know how to dance. You may have some guesses about where you learned the steps, or you may not...counseling can help you find out - if you have an open mind and are ready to deal with it.

Good luck and keep coming back!
Don


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