Heartbroken

by Deb
(Massachusetts)

My son is 36 years old. He is a heroin addict and has been for the past 11 years that I know but he will do any drug he can get a hold of. I am my 11 year old grandson's permanent guardian and have been for 10 years.

I have enabled my son for this entire time bringing him and picking him up from one rehab to another and picking him up from jail when he gets out. Ever time this happens I let him stay with me because he has no where else to go. He might stay clean for a week at a time. He has stolen my debit card, sold my grandson's IPod the list can go on and on.

I had him sectioned because he overdosed several times had numerous infections from syringes. This last episode a month and a half ago he stayed clean for 3 days and I found him shooting heroin in my bathroom. I called the police and he was arrested he is in jail now on $5,000 bail he goes back to court on the 16th of this month.

Anyway I am finally done with him I cannot do anything for him. His attorney has told me the court is looking at a 6 month sentence. This is the first time I haven't step foot in jail to visit him. I cannot stop crying it is just hitting me now and I want to go see him. Anyone's opinion would be greatly appreciated.

IF I GO VISIT HIM IN JAIL IS THIS ENABLING HIM?????
Thanks for letting me post

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Jan 30, 2014
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where ever you are I am with you.
by: Anonymous

Dear Heartbroken, I don't know how your story may have progressed since you first posted this, but my thoughts are right there with you. My thought is don't be hard on yourself for "enabeling" because with an adult child this far gone, as is my own, we are constantly NOT enabeling as well and it takes sooo much energy. My daughter is an alcoholic, aggressive, steals from us, comes in and out of my home. I am raising her beautiful little daughter. My daughter is beautiful physically, but not so much any other way. She attacked me this summer, when my husband was in Europe, just as she did the last time he was not there. I WISH she would go to jail. I don't bond her out, others do. She gets away with so much. She has never worked. She broke her neck and back evading police this past year. I did not go to hospital. She is better and physically recovered fine. NOT any other way though. I just don't know how to get her out of my life. She has never worked. She lives off of others. I understand she is ILL. She has a disease, alcoholism, anxiety disorder, now XXANAX abuse, some pain medication abuse. She is more than an alcoholic, she has ruined her brain patterns and thinking. She feels like I OWE her something. I am getting older, as is my husband. I just wish I knew how to escape her. If I did not have her little girl to raise, and to keep near the father's family, I would move far away. I tried to help her get on Social Security disability, but no deal. Exhausted and pre occupied with escaping for my old age in peace.

Jan 13, 2014
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The Art of Letting Go...
by: Anonymous

Hi Deb,

I too am very sorry to know that you are hurting, but I admire the courage it takes to let go. In fact, I made a new video for you and others who are struggling with letting go. I hope it helps. You can find it on the page below:

How to Stop Enabling ~ The Art of Letting Go

Anytime you get a chance watch, listen, and just let the words sink in.

Best Wishes,
Don

Jan 07, 2014
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You poor thing
by: Anonymous

I feel bad for what you have been through. Yes, you have enabled him but at least you realize it now. Sometimes it's just a matter of having done so much that there's nothing left to give of yourself.

I believe you've reached that point. It's at this point which is now really a fork in the road. So you would probably be best not to visit him based on the fact that you are his Mother & we as Mothers do not like to see our kids (no matter how old) hurting, uncomfortable or in any kind of pain. The disease of addiction has caused him to manipulate you & he's always known he could count on you.....which unfortunately has only made the addiction process last longer.

So if you want to truly help your son just back away. You could write him but I wouldn't suggest reading letters or even taking calls from him. You're too vulnerable & he knows how much you love him.

Hopefully he will go into a treatment program & come out of this & be a really Father to his son & be the living caring son to you.

In the meantime, you look after you. The day that he becomes clean, it's important that he knows you looked after you otherwise he may relapse out of guilt that he did this to you. Addiction for most is about past failures, sadness, unresolved childhood pain & just being disappointed in oneself.

I'll pray for you to be strong and hold your ground. It's the best thing to do for you & for your son.

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