Hard to move on

by Maritza
(US)

A year ago I separated from a man who has since been diagnosed with a chronic depressive mood disorder. I was a "giver" and was exhausted of years of doing what seemed like everything for my husband and my daughter. It was too heavy a burden.

I fell into an affair with an ex boyfriend from my youth, and it lasted for almost 2 years. I should've known better, because as a result from being with him when I was young, I developed an eating disorder, from which I later recovered. Back then he was always putting me down and I became very vulnerable. But when I met him again, he seemed like a very confident person, very self-assured. He appeared to be everything my husband wasn't, and he claimed he had always loved me and would care for me and my daughter.

I left my husband to be with him. He was in what he described as a very dysfunctional marriage: his wife didn't want to be intimate with him, and he described her as a very weak person, full of phobias and fears (like leaving the house alone). I didn't quite understand how they could've been together for so long. In retrospect, there were other issues: over the years he has become the type of man who MUST have the best of everything and is particular about the smallest details of his appearances and the things he buys. I also sensed he got a certain satisfaction from being married to a very sophisticated and wealthy woman. He also tended to be controlling, imposing his own "rhythm" to our communication: he would disappear without a warning if he felt like being alone, or would e-mail me instead of calling, to communicate on his terms. But he idealized me and said I was "perfect."

After he left his wife, he became depressed. He said everything had come crashing down at once, and there was no trace of his alleged strength. He left me, but later came back to tell me that although he loved me, he couldn't be with me because I had a child and he could "share" me with her. He said he wanted me all to himself, couldn't be emotionally involved with a child, and if it weren't for my daughter, he'd want to be with me. He said he couldn't face a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (which is what we had planned), that he wanted much more. So we parted.

Now I feel hurt. I've been reading a lot about narcissism, and I think a lot of it fits him. But I'm trying to understand myself also. Trying to figure out why I fell for this dream of a protective man, ignoring all the things that didn't fit the picture, and what it is that is lacking in me, in spite of my apparent strength, that I choose relationships that are bad for me. I realize I'm terrified of being alone.

I'd appreciate any comments that might help me get over this whole thing.

Comments for Hard to move on

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 21, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Victim and Abuser
by: Anonymous

The guy that was talked about sounds like my ex. A whole lot of problems and excuses for his behaviours. These behaviours included over talking, making excuses for why he would be so distanced-his phone had died, he had a sore back, he had to go into town to pick up a cell phone when he'd said I could go over. I found a few facebook messages-and then bam-the other day I found out he was doing on-line sex texting with a woman for the whole time we had been together.
Suddenly I realised I had a reason for my feeling crazy. He was distancing me because he said I controlled him too much. Insead of imputting into our relationship, he was getting his sexual needs met on line in chat rooms etc.
I really must trust my gut next time. I am a classic giving and forgiving person-but this went too far. Now I am the victim and wondering how to put healthy boundaries in place at the start. At least I found out what had been going on behind my back.

Aug 16, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I know how u feel
by: Anonymous

Girl I am the same exact way. I am trying to figure myself out as well... I wish there was a way we could talk or email. I swear you sound just like me.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to The Iceberg Discussion Forum.