Guilt Guilt Guilt

by mksmith
(oklahoma)

My adopted son is 39 1/2. on physical disability. he gets barely enough to get gas, meds and groceries, so i pay all his expenses as i never want to see him homeless. he's very talented, so because i wanted to help ease stress in his life in hopes of him getting better (congestive heart failure,lymphoma...etc) i live in another state. i've wired money, sent care packages UPS, bought him a car, pay his rent, insurance, cable, internet. he never calls to say hello or how he's coming along with his dr. visits, therapy, just calls or text when he has a crisis.

recently he needed money for gas and food. he asked if i could please send it a day sooner than what i said, if at all possible. i made it happen. i got a text that he meant to send to someone else. I was stunned. I had just left western union from sending him money. the text said::

"i am going to get money my mom just sent me, and yes, i am going to the weed house...why? do you want to roll with me?"

I have been helping my son for the past 3 years at the tune of over $1K per month. I even helped him get a dependable car all based on the reality that is is not well at ll, and i didn't want him to die, not being ale to get to the dr. or hospital...but i feel totally used after getting his text that wasn't meant for me. he never apologized, he just said he wasn't perfect, but he wasn't a criminal and that he's in pain day in and day out.

i am so tired....and because of him i am always broke and have ugh credit card debt, plus his car is in my name and he has suspended license, supposedly something from years ago, and not paying toll fees. this is a mess...i am a total enabler and now don't know where to draw the line without guilt because of his health.

please help

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Sep 08, 2011
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Start by insisting on honesty & common courtesy...
by: Don Carter

Hi MK,

But since honesty and courtesy are not likely to be coming from him any time soon... I would start by getting myself into to see a counselor who knows about addiction and enabling. Even without an addiction, people with health issues may learn to use those issues to manipulate others into an enabling relationship.

But in this case, he is not only doing it with his health issues, but his drug use as well. Just in case you are not familiar with the slang, "rolling..." with others is NOT something someone with chronic pain does. And if he can get out to the weed house, he can get out to other places on his own...like maybe a part time job?

Keep in mind that while it is likely that he has an addiction, it is also likely that you do too...

Here's the test, see if this sounds like you:

When you are fed up your anger helps you detach and you swear your not going to help him anymore. But as soon as the anger wears off guilt sets in because you are not helping him and you feel terrible! You don't lose that painful, guilty feeling until you get another "fix" (of helping him). Then when that short-lived fix wears off, you will get angry again and detach for a time... or jump strait to feeling guilty and depressed enough to put the blinders back on again and find a perfectly good reason to be there for him yet again.

This is the nature of an addiction to enabling (also known as loving too much)...and it gets progressively worse just like any other addiction. If this is you please get help. If it is not you, then it shouldn't be a problem to stay out of the above cycles... right?

God Bless and all my best!
Don

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