Getting a Grasp

by Darcie
(Ottawa, OH)

Enabling is destroying my life. My son has recently been arrested again for drinking on probation. He was in jail for 7 days and I unplugged my phones, so he could not make contact with me. PO got him into a half-way house and he left today. I wrote him and told him not to contact me until he has some positive news...no begging, whining, or empty promises.

I'm starting to get a grasp on this enabling process, but it's a hard addiction to break. Al-anon meetings are going to be a must in my life.

I wrote a story about a month or so ago and appreciated all the advise I received. There is light at the end of the addiction and it's called hope and prayer. Hope this helps someone else out there wavering with a big decision about enabling...stop now, please.

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Dec 18, 2009
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Great Attitude!
by: Don

That's right Darcie...let nothing get in the way of your recovery! There are NO coincidences in recovery.

I try to look for the opportunity in every situation. In this case I have seen you use this as an opportunity to double your resolve.

I also see an opportunity for you to file this experience away in your mind so that, down the road, you can use it to understand what it might be like in your group if nobody was there to extend the hand of Alanon when it was most needed.

I'm sorry this happened to you...but I know you can use it and grow from it.

I also believe that God was there and is watching how you handle it...Way to go!!

Merry Christmas!
Don

Dec 18, 2009
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Unbelievable
by: Darcie

So I travel 30 miles pick up a friend and head to the local Al-anon meeting. Nobody showed up. I was so disappointed, could not believe this time of the year that there was no Al-anon meeting.

Will forge ahead anyway. My son just called me from his half-way house. He sounded good and said he's happy there. Finally, he said he's around people that understand. Attends 4 AA meetings a day. I'm just so happy that he's doing good and thinking positive. Time will tell though.

I know I have to be very careful and not let him get to close. He needs to find his own way without me holding his hand. I will try to be supportive, but at a distance.

Dec 17, 2009
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Heart breaking
by: sue

I truly do understand that letting go of our children is one of the hardest things we have to do. I have had to let go of both my children especially my eldest daughter. I sit back now and just watch. I see her still carrying on they way she has been but at the same time I know I must let her figure this out herself, I no longer enable her to treat us they way she used to. Be patient this process takes time. And when they are ready to change they will. I feel you are doing the right thing. As a mum myself I know it is hard because we want to help them.

Unfortunately we must step back it breaks our hearts to do so. But look long term it is for the benefit just as much as ours. It does not mean that love them any less just sometimes we don't like who they are and what they are doing. I look at this from the point of view they need to learn their lessons and we must honour that for them.

Keep the faith stay strong within yourself.

Dec 17, 2009
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Consequences of Enabling
by: Darcie

I did the hardest thing, letting go of my son. Now comes the follow up and proving to everyone that I'm serious about this.

I have a loved one(let's call him my other half) who is still resentful and mad that it took me so long to come to this decision. We're trying to communicate better but it's not easy. Enabling affects so many people in our lives. I am having a hard time with this resentment and want our lives back to as normal as soon as possible. Am I not giving it enough time? Should I back off and let him figure it out alone? I guess I just feel that we need to work on it together and keep the communication open, honest and with no games.

I don't think anyone other than people who have been through this can quite comprehend the feeling that I've abandoned my son, even if you know in your head it was the best thing ever....the heart feels different than the head at times. I really do know it was the best decision I ever made for the health of my son and myself.

Thanks for all the comments really appreciate them.

First Al-anon meeting tonight(well first one in a long long time).

Dec 15, 2009
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Good for you Darcie
by: Anonymous

You have taken some very important first steps Darcie, don't underestimate what you have done. You are doing the best thing for you and your son now even though it will be tough going at times. Keep strong and be good to yourself. I'm sure the group support of Al-anon meetings will be very helpful to you. As you fill your life up with positivity and start to define and fulfil your own goals it will become brighter and brighter. My good wishes to you, Lyn.

Dec 15, 2009
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Brillant work
by: Anonymous

I too would like to add my best wishes for your journey. Well done I know it is not easy to stop enabling our children. In the long term your son will thank you for what you have done. Again brillant work.

Merry Christmas and good fortune for the new year,.

Dec 15, 2009
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Welcome Aboard Darcie!
by: Don Carter

What a great thing to hear Darcie...this is a good thing for BOTH you and your son! Even though it may not seem like it now, this may end up being the best Christmas and New Years ever!

Remember to follow through on making Alanon a priority. You will never regret it. You are over the hump and the worst is behind you. You can start to have the life you deserve now.

Thanks again for the good news. I'm looking forward to following your progress here so you can pass it on!

Don

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