Feeling like throwing in the towel sometimes..,

by xmkx

My husband's and my therapist is in the process of trying to bring us to the point of having a couple's session. I don't know how that will go. At this point I am very doubtful about our progress and I'm getting really frustrated because I feel like my husband is not really breaking down any of his walls. It seems like he tries to be nicer but he's refusing to drop old attitudes or admit that some of his behavior is not in the least bit respectful.

I feel like I'm getting dragged down in to the punishment/forgiveness cycle again. Things go fine between us for a while, he either loses his temper or I express that I'm not being satisfied by the way he's treating me and then he loses his temper, he stews for a while and then comes back sorry he did it, then everything is ok for a little while until it happens again...

I'm starting to wonder how patient I'm really willing to be about this. How much of this I can really take until it stops. I keep asserting my independence and (it seems like) he keeps on trying to break it down. I'm scared that it's going to eventually start crumbling back down again. I feel like it's already starting to now.

Today when I went to have my individual session with our therapist I was nervous. I haven't felt uncomfortable being myself, especially with a therapist, in what seems like a long time now.

I know I cannot judge my husband's intentions. I know that he has vastly different struggles than I do and that these struggles manifest in his behavior. I know his egg to harder to crack than mine, so to speak. I just also know that I don't want to waste any more time being the way I was or going through the recovery process again. I have wasted so much of my life being miserable and I just do not want to waste the rest of it in the same fashion, especially now that I have some idea of how good it feels to... well... just breath.

I know I can't just take off though because I'm scared of what may happen. I just don't know when the right time is to say, "Ok, this is not working. It's time for me to move on." In the past I have always been prone to exit way too early or way too late. Either I jump the gun because I'm afraid of what might happen or I stay on board because I keep hoping things will get better.

Right now I'm trying to tell myself to give it six months. Six months and then I'll re-evaluate if I want to continue attempting to mend this marriage.