Father - boyfriend

by anonymous
(chicago)

Hi there,
I really enjoyed reading the information on this website, I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of 'abandonment issues' I am planing on seeing a counsellor to help sort through some issues. However, I was wondering if anyone could help me to address a current situation.

In short, my relationship with my father is shallow and infrequent; my mum left him when I was three, and in my 17 years of life I have spent one night at his house, and four days on holiday with him. other than that, he used to take me shopping once a weekend.

I always knew that if I expressed my opinions, he would reject me, like he had some of my siblings. Thus, I put on an act of innocence to ensure I had his approval.

In my relationships with men, i have had constant trouble expressing myself, feeling like I can't ask for anything or say I am upset with them. I am slowly working through these issues, however, they often come back and I return to where I was.

I am now in a relationship with my old best friend, whom I love, whom I love so deeply.. intellectually, emotionally, physically. But i can't deal with it. I don't feel like he puts me as a priority enough, is affectionate enough.. even though he is very affectionate. I constantly feel worried he's going to start seeing me as ugly, and I cringe at moments I've been myself around him and his family...

I now feel like I don't even want to be in a relationship with him, like it hurts me too much. that I want to get away from it.

I don't know what to do.. could somebody please offer some advice?

Thank you sooo much

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Sep 01, 2011
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Hello!
by: Don Carter

After reading what you wrote I feel strongly that in order to have someone prioritize you would first require that you prioritize yourself by deciding what is tolerable and reasonable to expect from your partner...then letting them know it IS what you expect.

Now, in order to do that you need to be far enough along in healing your abandonment issues to do it without panicking from the "terror of abandonment" that rules your inner child.

Sooo...it is best for you to get in to see that counselor as soon as possible. It may take a while before you are far enough into healing to set those boundaries for yourself.

Sometimes, starting counseling is enough to get your partner's attention. In fact, they may begin to "change" enough to convince you to drop out of therapy. Don't fall for it and don't do it for them...do it FOR YOU - you ARE a priority!

Don

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