Father - boyfriend

by anonymous
(chicago)

Hi there,
I really enjoyed reading the information on this website, I feel like I am gaining a better understanding of 'abandonment issues' I am planing on seeing a counsellor to help sort through some issues. However, I was wondering if anyone could help me to address a current situation.

In short, my relationship with my father is shallow and infrequent; my mum left him when I was three, and in my 17 years of life I have spent one night at his house, and four days on holiday with him. other than that, he used to take me shopping once a weekend.

I always knew that if I expressed my opinions, he would reject me, like he had some of my siblings. Thus, I put on an act of innocence to ensure I had his approval.

In my relationships with men, i have had constant trouble expressing myself, feeling like I can't ask for anything or say I am upset with them. I am slowly working through these issues, however, they often come back and I return to where I was.

I am now in a relationship with my old best friend, whom I love, whom I love so deeply.. intellectually, emotionally, physically. But i can't deal with it. I don't feel like he puts me as a priority enough, is affectionate enough.. even though he is very affectionate. I constantly feel worried he's going to start seeing me as ugly, and I cringe at moments I've been myself around him and his family...

I now feel like I don't even want to be in a relationship with him, like it hurts me too much. that I want to get away from it.

I don't know what to do.. could somebody please offer some advice?

Thank you sooo much