EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED

by Anonymous

My Sister is an Enabler Her son is a 28 year old crack addict. He has been doing this since he was sixteen. He was just thrown out of Salvation Army for using. He is back at home. He told my sister he had a terminal disease, although he didn't follow up on treatment. He was out two nights, but when he wakes us she will baby him, feed him and give him gas money. I live here as well, along with her husband. We see the pattern, but she is afraid that if she throws him out he will die. I am so upset, that I want to move. She won't listen. I love my sister, and she needs me. I am at a loss as what to do, because my sister keeps making excuses for him. Please help.

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Jul 17, 2017
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Enabling the enabler
by: Anonymous

This was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister-in-law (76) has enabled my drug taking/selling niece (42) for years. She bought her a house, has paid ALL her expenses including cell phone, internet, and cigarettes. When my brother was alive, he would even give her his pain meds when she complained about her back. She hasn't worked in years. She was an RN. Never married. Dated a bunch of real losers. Now, my niece is in jail again. She and her mother have "borrowed" from everyone they know and never paid anyone back. They (or the niece) have stolen bank account numbers and cleaned out accounts on more than one person. One was elderly; one was disabled in a wheelchair. The niece's house has been repossessed and she was living with her mother. The mother lost her car to a loan shark. She has alienated her oldest daughter who is a responsible adult. My sister-in-law worked in the church system all of her life. She lost her job due to this behavior. She now stays in her dark bedroom. My question is: do all of us who know her and care about her, just stand by and watch her die? Is there anything we need to do for her? Or would anything we do be enabling the enabler?

Sep 13, 2015
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Held Hostage by Mom's Enabling
by: Hostage

Extremely Frusrated, I am in the same boat. My mom is 88 and has enabled my nephews for years. She is the last one in the family to hang on, and she is mad at the rest of us because we don't help to financially support and clean up the boys' messes anymore.

We tell her she does not have to keep helping them, but then she gets very angry and accuses us of throwing them out in the street.

Drugs, jail, prison, violence, emergency rooms, deception, mental illness. But my nephews are adults, and by law we cannot force them into rehab programs where they can grow and become self-supporting.

Mom is paying rent, fixing cars, paying insurance and giving them grocery cards. This is money she should be saving for personal and medical care at the end of her life or the family will be burdened with it. We don't think Medicaid will take care of everything, and we hate to see her go into a low-care facility.

Mom has been told she is enabling but she keeps saying, "There is a fine line between enabling and helping." She is way over that line but will not admit that what she is doing is harmful, not only to herself but to the boys (who are in their 30s and 40s now). She is too frightened they will go back to drugs or die if she lets go. Our family is at a loss as to how to handle this.

Any resources that would help us in breaking through her emotional thinking, as well as instructing us in how to protect ourselves financially, would be welcome.

I am going to suggest we go for family counseling, but I am 99% sure Mom will not go. She does not like to be told that she is wrong, and she has invested so much in this. It doesn't help that her judgment is getting shaky at her advanced age.

We feel stuck and held hostage.



Aug 11, 2015
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Learn the do's and don'ts of enabling behavior
by: Don

Hi,

Thanks for this post. It gives me a chance to remind everyone that we can get caught up in enabling the enabler. By trying to "get through" to them in the same way they try to "get through" to their addicted loved one we can get just as caught up in the cycle as they are.

I will be interested to hear the discussion on this. Does anyone have any experience with the futility of "enabling the enabler?" Have you found a way out? What works? What doesn't work?

Thanks again for the post,
Don

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