Evie's Games

by "Evie"
(Ohio)

Hi. I'll call myself Evie. That's my childhood nickname, which is appropriate because that's who is driving my bus. I'm addicted to computer games.

Five years ago my husband left me. We were together for 35 years, married for 33. I thought it was one of those "difficult" times and that we would be able to work through this period as we had with others. I was crushed when he left. I immediately went for counseling. That was a life saver. Within 3 years I was feeling much better - almost whole again. I then got my "dream" job within the organization I already worked in for 15 years.

Two months into the new job my 85 year old mother living in another state became ill. I was the one on her trust and other documents as the one to make all her decisions. My mother was extremely controlling and strong-willed. My sister lived near her and wanted to help. My sister had alcohol, gambling, and sex addictions. Two months my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I dearly loved her.

My new job was demanding - working 12 to 15 hrs a day. My predecessor left things in a huge mess and created a combative attitude with staff. My immediate supervisor was marvelous. We had a long term plan to clean up the function. However, she too was new and after 6 months the big boss let her go. Her replacement was wonderful. Again 6 months later the boss pushed her out. Each time the pushing was ugly.

In the mean time I was dealing with multiple doctors, driving 1000 miles round trip to see my mother and sister and meeting w/ doctors. Mom's medical treatment was horrible - undeserving. Moving her from facility to facility. Each with new docs ordering the same tests over and over again putting her through torture. My sister was disintegrating before my eyes. My job was disintegrating around me. I turned to games to keep from crying.

My sister died the summer of 2008. My mother died one year later. I am responsible for Mother's trust, will, and assets. My sister's young adult children turn to me as a surrogate mother. I am told to leave my job or get a big demotion. My finances take a big hit. And I still play computer games to keep from crying.

A year later most of my obligations and responsibilities are easing. But, when I get home from work I get on to the computer to answer emails, work on Mom's trust and taxes. Yeah- right. All I do is play games until late into the night. I make promises to myself. Bribe myself. Shame myself. I still am at the computer playing games. It was a refuge - now it is the prison.

I am so ashamed. I feel ridiculous having this addiction. I want my life back.

Evie