Enabling Behavior - Loving Too Much

Enabling behavior is born out of our instinct for love. It's only natural to want to help someone we love, but when it comes to certain problems -- helping is like throwing a match on a pool of gas.

Definition of Enabling

In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.

In it's true form, then, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living - addiction, chronic financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Here are some examples of enabling behaviors...

• Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
• Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
• Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
• Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
• Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
• Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
• Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
• Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
• Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
• Trying to "fix" them or their problem
• Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
• Trying to control them or their problem

Enabling Behaviors -- the Addiction of the Codependent

The need for an external focus, along with other lessons of childhood prepare a person for addiction to enabling behavior.

Take a look at how the signs of addiction match the signs of codependency.

Early Stage

• Relief Using or Enabling - Comfort eating, spending, working or "helping" someone with their problem in order to avoid an internal focus.
• Increase in Tolerance - for the behaviors of the problem person.
• Preoccupation - with the problem person or persons
• Loss of Control - over emotions or behavior (Excessive eating, yelling at the kids)
• Continued Use (of enabling behavior) Despite Serious Negative Consequences - to yourself as well as them

Middle or "Crucial" Stage

• Family Problems - Drama Triangle or the variation below (Punishment/Forgiveness Cycle)
• Social Problems - Embarrassment, avoiding parties where they may be "too much temptation" for your partner.
• Emotional Problems - Depression, anxiety, chronic stress
• Financial Problems
• Legal Problems - Domestic disturbances
• Occupational or Academic Problems - Loss of concentration due to preoccupation with the problem person or persons

Late or "Chronic" Stage

• Physical Deterioration - headaches, stomach problems, stress disorders, etc
• Serious Physical Withdrawal Syndrome - cannot stay away after a break-up or separation
• Obsession - preoccupation increases until it takes the majority of your thoughts
• Loss of Social Supports - stop seeing friends and begin to isolate, other people give up trying to get you to see what you are doing
• Collapse of the Alibi System - can no longer make excuses for yourself OR the problem person
• Drinking, Using Prescription Meds, Eating, Working, etc. to keep functioning or "feel normal"
• Hopelessness and Despair
• Untimely Death - accident, suicide, illnesses secondary to the Codependency

Enabling Behaviors -- the Punishment/Forgiveness Cycle

The following is a variation on the Drama Triangle I refer to as the Punishment & Forgiveness Cycle.

The "Punisher/Forgiver" (aka Codependent) is the Persecutor/Rescuer...the "Punished/Forgiven" (problem carrier) is the Victim.

The Punisher plays a game of "Now I've Got You, You SOB" then later, as the Forgiver, plays a game of "I'm Only Trying to Help You". The Punished plays a complementary game of "Kick Me" and "Why Does This Aways Happen to Me".

When it becomes obvious that the Punisher has a problem with controlling, fixing, and other Codependent behaviors the roles and games can be reversed.

This cycle is the epitome of enabling behavior... Many times it's the Codependent that gets bored and sets another cycle in motion...

This stage is when the problem is inactive and things seem to be going well.

Boredom & Fantasy Stage:

In this stage, because the external focus is lost, boredom sets in as a precursor to the surfacing pain – to keep an external focus, the person begins to fantasize ways to alleviate the discomfort of boredom – they begin to "watch movies" in their mind’s eye of ways to feel better... such as engaging in the addictive/codependent behavior.

Examples:

• Codependent – subconscious perception signals that the lack of an external focus is soon to be followed by awareness of inner pain... The codependency network plays the "I just know he’s drinking again and trying to fool me – I’ll catch him!" movie which re-engages the external focus.

• Work-a-holic - subconscious perception signals that the lack of an external focus is soon to be followed by awareness of inner pain... The work addicted network plays the "Look at yourself -- just sitting there with all these incredibly important things you need to get done!" movie which re-engages the external focus.

• Gambling Addict - subconscious perception signals that the lack of an external focus is soon to be followed by awareness of inner pain … The gambling neural network plays the "Ohmigod! This is the chance of a lifetime –- I can’t pass this up!" movie which re-engages the external focus.

Obsession & Compulsion Stage:

The fantasy becomes an obsession because "watching the movie" strengthens the feelings that go with the addictive behavior, triggering a compulsion to engage in that behavior. The compulsion to act-out is resisted until...

Acting-Out Stage:

The compulsion grows so strong it is impossible for the person to resist. So, they act-out the movie they have been watching in their mind’s eye. They continue to act-out until they get caught or something bad happens.

Examples:

• Food Addict – Eats compulsively experiencing the high followed by the crash of guilt and shame... not to mention the crash of coming off the sugar rush.

• Cocaine Addict – Uses until the money runs out or they get caught...

• Love Addict – Accuses spouse of cheating causing another fight...

• Sex Addict – Cheats on their spouse again causing another break-up...

Punishment Stage:

Once "caught", the problem person enters into the punishment stage where the Punisher is upset over yet another transgression or broken promise to stop...there is a big fight...more pain –- (abandonment, shame, and contempt.)

Forgiveness Stage:

In this stage the Punished person gets into their best behavior and works their way back into the good graces of the Punisher. Once forgiveness is achieved then everything is fine again -- until boredom sets in!

Key Point for Couples: Each of us has our own internal Punisher -- it’s the part of us often referred to as our conscience...

• When a spouse or other loved-one takes the role of Punisher they have left the acting-out party with only the Punished role to play -- See the Contemplation Stage of Change for more on this.

• When the acting-out party receives their punishment and forgiveness from an outside source they get an internal sense of relief for having "atoned" for their behavior clearing the way for more transgressions.

• If no outside source provides the punishment they are left to deal with their own conscience. When this happens they have to go around the wheel on their own playing both Punisher and Punished.

• While detaching, or staying out of the Punisher role, may not lead to an immediate change in behavior it does break the cycle of codependency and the above pattern of enabling behavior - aka the Drama Triangle.

Key Point for Individuals: If no one is available to play the Punisher Role we have to play both roles ourselves –- punishing and forgiving ourselves.

Regardless of whether anyone plays the game with us we will continue around this cycle until we hit bottom and decide to get help. When this is the case, the pattern is called the Addiction Cycle.