enabling my daughter has only hurt her. how can I stop ?

21 year old daughter has always been a spOiled brat..she has 2 married siblings who have children..the 21 yr old is jealous of any attention we give the others.always demands more BC " we don't love her as m ch as the others" out of guilt ( unfounded) we continue to give. She has been in trouble multiple times and we are constantly pulling strings to keep her out of trouble..from fighting in school to not being able to keep a job, to very bad relationships..she's never been able to have a girlfriend without so much drama it is an ongoing battle with this child who we love and adore she doesn't think anything she does is wrong and no matter what she does we should continue to give her more to prove our love.I have reached a point that I cannot do this anymore she is verbally abusive to myself and her father she will not be responsible in the house for chores , groceries ,anything..all we ask of her is to make her car payment and clean up after herself. she is a miserable person you cannot have a conversation with air her about anything because she claims you were in her business! because of some of her relationships they'll all has been involved and brought to our doorstep yet she tells us it is none of our business she will jump and run away like a little girl only to come back and want to live here again.she is so depressed all she does is sleep when she is not at work or out causing drama. we have tried talking to her doctors about getting her on anti depressants but he ask her if she's depressed and she says no I am at the end of my rope I love her so much I want to try tough love and tell her to get out and try life on her own if she does not like it here but I cannot stand the thought that she would be on the street. help!

Comments for enabling my daughter has only hurt her. how can I stop ?

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Nov 18, 2016
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Ditto
by: Anonymous

I too can say all the above. One thing I would like to add that I am not reading in the other stories, is that the fear of her coming to harm controls me and at times even causes me to have a panic attack. To explain - the fear of drinking too much, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, violence...drugs. So how do you let go? When the lesson they learn may cost their life?

Apr 26, 2014
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Lead the way...
by: Don Carter

Hi,

Sorry to hear about the chaos and heartache you are going through. I am hoping to answer your call for help with the points below:

1. You wrote: "She has been in trouble multiple times and we are constantly pulling strings to keep her out of trouble"

This is enabling her and reinforcing that she can get into trouble and not have to pay the consequences for her choices. This needs to stop.

2. You wrote: "[she]...always demands more BC 'we don't love her as much as the others' out of guilt (unfounded) we continue to give.

This is enabling and reinforcing her use of emotional blackmail - why stop using that ploy if it works? This needs to stop.

3. You wrote: "I have reached a point that I cannot do this anymore"

Really? And how many times have you been here? How many times have you said those words to her, to yourself, or someone else in the past? Don't say it if you don't mean it. This needs to stop.

4. You wrote: "she is verbally abusive to myself and her father"

We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. When we tolerate unacceptable behavior it becomes acceptable. This needs to stop.

5. You wrote: "she will not be responsible in the house" and then you wrote: "all we ask of her is to make her car payment and clean up after herself."

Need I say more? This needs to stop.

6. You wrote: "you cannot have a conversation with air her about anything because she claims you were in her business!"

When it affects you, it becomes YOUR business. This needs to stop.

7. You wrote: "she tells us it is none of our business she will jump and run away like a little girl only to come back and want to live here again"

And if you allow her to come back, do you insist on an agreement by her to stop all of the above treatment of you and to get help? If not, allowing her to come back needs to stop.


8. You wrote: "I want to try tough love and tell her to get out and try life on her own if she does not like it here"

Tough love is not something you "try". It is something you must get help to learn about and help to develop a specific plan to implement that tough love.

Now I know it is easy for you to see the common sense in the above points - but I also know that despite the knowledge of "what to do" you will probably continue to allow these things to continue UNLESS you enter into a recovery process and get help for yourself too.

Lead the way and show your daughter what to do. YOU go to counseling first. Heal up and learn to overcome your inability to take action and do what is right for both you and your daughter.

Blessings,
Don Carter

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