Enabler and Desperate

by Totally powerless
(Canada)

I can't Stop! My son is a drug addict. At present he is living on his own in what used to be a crack house. He rents a bachelor apt. (More like a bedroom.) His place is totally disgusting, he does not clean up anything. He moved there after I asked him to leave our home because he had stolen $2,000. from our line of credit.

He is on social assistance and as soon as he gets paid he pays his rent and spends the rest of his money on drugs and neglects to buy himself food. I of course am right there for him to rescue him. In the last month I have probably spent $1,000. on him for groceries and cigarettes. I think in my mind that I am helping him to stay alive. This of course in not true.

I attend a 12 step program and have learned that I am extremely codependent. I have learned that the reason I enable him is to make myself feel better. If he has food I don't have to worry and loose sleep. But, the fact is that I am making things worse. I am freeing up his money so he can go and buy more drugs, and get more addicted to them. I am just as sick as he is.

I have worked hard in the past to stop myself from doing this and have succeeded at times. But, I always end up right back to were I started and spend money on him again!

I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. Why can't I get it? Why do I continuously relapse? I know that I cannot continue this pattern. I need to stop once and for all.

I don't know all the answers and ask my higher power to give me the strength I need to stop enabling him. I am powerless over my addiction to codependency. All I know is that I HAVE TO keep working my program and hope that I will soon learn to not enable him.

I know that If I do not stop soon I will either cause his death or mine. GOD HELP ME!