Emotionally Unstable; how do I fix these issues?

by SilentlyFading
((Chicago, IL))

I’ve had all these things said to me recently.

“You don’t show your emotions.” “You’re a suffer in silence type, huh?” “You always let me make all the decisions.”

These words, all said by different people, made me question myself. Like, am I really okay? Am I normal?

I’ve read some articles on the human psyche and was startled at how some of the behaviors fit me. There are some of the traits I’ve gathered about myself.

I don’t like to be late. I leave for school forty minutes early. I can’t stand the thought of being late for some reason. I’m not really sure why this is, but if I’m late to anything I go ballistic.

I let others make decisions. If we work on projects together, if my friends want to do something their way, I let them.

I’m stubborn. If there’s something I really don’t want to do, I won’t.

I’m extremely shy. As if, I don’t like to go up to check out my merchandise at the store. When I was young, I would intentionally try to get myself sick so I wouldn’t have to say a report in school the next day. I get anxiety whenever I have to speak up or out loud in front of people or doing anything I’m not used to or prepared to do.

This shyness has ruined my life. It's kept me from driving, making friends, getting a job. I'm still treated like a child at home so I still feel like one. I'm dependent on my mother and she still scares me, still treats me like I'm 12.

Here’s my story. I’m 18 years old and going off to college in the fall. I’m not really sure about how I’m going to handle things in the “real world."

My mother had me at 18 years with a guy who was 7 years older. I was adopted by my grandparents and live with them. My mother would usually see me on the weekends and we would go to her apartment where she lived with my father.

First off, my parents never got married. My father isn't the fatherly type. He is an 80's guy with long hair and leather jackets, bikes and cars. The only time we really bonded was with video games and even when we did get along we didn’t talk much.

My mother is a girly rocker. I find that she can be very funny and kind, especially after seeing her work at the animal hospital, but there are times where she scares me. When I was younger and did something "bad", she would hit me. Sometimes it was a spanking with her hand, slapping me with a shoe. The worst is when she took one of my father’s leather belts and spanked me.

I remember after she hit me she’d usually apologize, holding me and saying things like, “You know that makes me angry.” She’d say that a lot and other than when I was hit by her, that was the only time she'd see me crying and we’d make up after that. But obviously, I’m not a child anymore. Now, she doesn’t hold me and I don’t cry. She’s still determined to stay above me though. Recently, she told me, “Just because you’re bigger than me doesn’t mean I can’t hurt you.”

To this day she still threatens me, but she hasn’t “hit” me in a long time. I’ve gotten used to keeping my mouth shut and learning when not to talk. When she's not angry, we get along fine. My mother can be such a teenager sometimes.

She’s never hit me hard enough to cause any physical damage so I’m at a standstill. I don’t know the difference between abuse and discipline. I’m assuming it depends on the situation, but personally I don’t ever want to hurt my children because I don’t want them to feel the same fear and vulnerability I do toward my mother. I haven’t told her about these feelings either. I don’t share a lot of feelings with her.

When I was 12, I was at the apartment with my parents when I heard the fight. My mother was talking about a letter, claiming it was from “her.” My father denied it. I could tell it got physical after that because there was grunting and fabric rustling. Then my father came out to the living room as my mom stumbled. He screamed, “C’mon, let's show SilentlyFading.”

The next thing I remember was my mom packing her clothes in bags. She left him and moved back with my grandparents and me.

I didn’t see my father for 3 years. I had expected him on my birthday. I mean, I was still his daughter. He didn’t break up with me, but he never showed. And suddenly after the 3 years of convincing myself he doesn’t care, he comes back. Only he’s not here for me. He’s here for my mother.

That hurt me even more. Whenever I see him now, I don’t talk to him and he doesn’t talk to me. I’ve told myself if he doesn’t need me in his life, then I don’t need him. I’ve never been daddy’s girl. He’s never even said I love you before. Never showed any real interest in me and I think that’s the reason I don’t have any guy friends. When I’m around boys, I’m uncomfortable.

The pathetic part is that I really want a boyfriend. I know my obsession with romances and writing romantic novels has to do with the fact that I don’t understand that kind of love. Honestly, I’d be content with anyone as long as they loved me for me and I’m afraid they will find out what I’m really like and leave me. I feel this puts me in a very dangerous and vulnerable situation. I cry sometimes, hoping one day someone will be there to care about me. I hate feeling alone. I’m always alone. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

When I was young, my father was mad because I needed to get a costume for a party or something and I was doing it last minute. He said I shouldn't go, but my mom took my side and brought me to the store. She told me, "See what you did? Now he's mad at me." I felt horrible after that. I didn't even want to go to the stupid party anymore. I can't even remember if I did or not.

My mother gets mad over little things. She had to move into my room when she left my dad and it was never messy before she moved in. Now clothes pile the floor and she gets angry that I don’t clean, like it’s all my fault. Sometimes when she’s mad at me she refuses to drive me to school.

When she gets mad she screams or looks as if she’s going to hit me. I tend to get quiet and sit there. I hate crying in front of her and I think that’s why I have problems crying in front of others. I can’t stand looking weak and vulnerable so I go into the bathroom and cry in private.

One time she was angry about something else and was stepping over the clothes on our floor in the room. She said, “I hope I step on something important to you, and it breaks.”

Constantly, my mother smokes in the car when I’m there and even though it annoys me and I’ve told her this, she just tells me to open the window and smokes anyway.

I also learned that I have a nervous habit. I bite and pick at the skin on my fingers until they bleed. I’ve heard stress and anxiety are triggers. I always have to make something up whenever my friends ask about it, and I hate myself for doing it. I won't even let my friends do my nails because I know they'll see the skin and ask about it. My mother says, "Why do you do this to yourself? Stop doing it." But I can't and that gets me more mad.

I always hear things like how the children of teen mother's are more likely to get pregnant themselves and that upsets me. I have morals. I refuse to be a teen mom like my mother. When my friends offer me alcohol, I decline. I hate the smell of cigarettes. I don’t ever want to take any drugs.

Everyone says that I’m innocent, but things scare me. Like if I get drunk, I’d let all these emotions go. I’m afraid I’d say something bad or weird to my friends and they’d leave me.

I’m honestly an emotional wreck but I don’t let anyone see this. My family doesn’t even know how messed up I am and I don’t want them to.

Can someone help explain my problems and how to fix them?

SilentlyFading

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Oct 02, 2015
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You're not alone
by: Lexy

I'm not quite sure on how old this article is but I'll comment anyway. I don't really have any answers for you but what i wanted to say was you're not alone. I can pretty much relate to everything you feel. It's really hard sometimes. I push people away now because I'm so used to being alone and I'm scared if i let people in, it'll hurt more when they leave. I'm also sorry about how you're treated at home. Sounds very emotional abusive and just know that its not okay and you deserve to be treated with respect. Again idk how long ago this post was but i hope your doing good. Stay strong (:

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