DRUG ADDICTED BPD ADULT DAUGHTER

WE ADOPTED OUR DAUGHTER IN 1987 WHEN SHE WAS ONE MO. OLD. I AND HER FATHER DETERMINED TO MAKE UP FOR ANYTHING SHE POSSIBLY COULD HAVE MISSED BY THE FACT THAT WE WERE NOT HER BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. I HAVE SINCE LEARNED BY MUCH HEARTACHE AND RESEARCH THAT THE BOTH OF US HAVE BEEN ENABLING FOR YEARS. MY DAUGHTER MARRIED A DRUG ADDICT AND WE NOW HAVE CUSTODY OF OUR NINE MO. OLD GRAND DAUGHTER WITH A SERIOUS HEART CONDITION. I DO HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR BUT FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE. JUST NEED TO BE IN TOUCH WITH OTHER PARENTS SINCE I CHOSE TO QUIT MY JOB TO GIVE OUR PRECIOUS GRAND DAUGHTER THE CARE THAT SHE NEEDS.

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Jan 07, 2011
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The three C's...
by: Don Carter

Hello and welcome,

I just wanted to chime in and say that enabling comes from our love instinct. When someone we care about is hurting or not doing well we want to help out...that's fine in a normal situation. However, addiction and mental illnesses are not normal situations.

In Alanon, they remind newcomers of the Three C's:

1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it

It is something THEY have to tend to...you can only be there to support them in that. If you are doing more than half the work, then you are enabling. If you are doing for her what she should be able to do for herself, then you are enabling.

Letting go, going to Alanon, getting counseling, using forums like this, learning as you are and sharing you experience are your best options.

Blaming yourself never helped anybody.

Keep coming back!
Don

Jan 05, 2011
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Word of Encouragement
by: Anonymous

When I read your post my heart went out to you. I think that instead of feeling like a failure you need to look at what you learned from raising your daughter and make changes in the way you raise your granddaughter.

Believe me, I have 4 children and I can see ways I could have done things differently, I think all parents can. I encourage you to seek God's guidance as your raise your granddaughter, take her to a Bible believing church that has programs for young people. God is good, he will help you!

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