Down the drain

by Dan
(MD)

I am 26 years old now. It has been a while now since my heart has been finished being scarred over due to my fathers alcoholism. I cried weekly and had frequent thoughts of suicide in high school.

I acquired body-dysmorphic disorder because I have a couple of small moles on the left side of my face. This disorder marked the beginning sign of my serious mental problems. I always tried to hide the left side of my face from people. I even wore a huge coat to school (even in the summer) just so I could put on the hood and hide.

I have never had any real friends. I am smart but I was not able to succeed in college due to the emotional abuse in my childhood, I dropped out (ADD my ass). I drank my first few beers after work one day and it was the greatest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Extreme euphoria and incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. I instantly become an alcoholic and starting drinking everyday.

My father encouraged my dream of starting my own landscape business by funding the initial startup costs. The business started off great and I was making money and getting new jobs, but eventually my alcoholism destroyed the business. My equipment has been sitting for years now, rotting.

The buzz began to noticeably fade after about 2 years of drinking and someone introduced my to oxycodone. This really wasn't my favorite but it helped boost the effect of alcohol. Then I discovered adderall and benzodiazepines and began abusing them as much as possible as well. I became physically addicted them. I stole over $3000 from my mom to buy drugs, especially oxy. I would take all of the drugs at the same time and also of course drink. I would also smoke over a pack a day of cigarettes and drink energy drinks all day. I eventually overdosed with no medical treatment. Then again, and again. One night I was sure I was going to die, but I didn't.

Now I have a multitude of health problems due to alcoholism and drug addiction which led to pancreatitis and now my kidneys are failing due to high blood sugar. My life was not fair. I had no idea life was not supposed to be this hard as a child. I miraculously got a job doing landscaping but my health is failing and I am not going to be able to keep it up.

I quit using all drugs including cigarettes about 1.5 years ago. I quit drinking last November. I quit my caffeine addiction a few months ago. Despite all of these efforts, it's not enough to save me.

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May 20, 2012
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Thank you
by: Dan

Thank you so much for your comment. The only thing I can say is this: If I ever get the opportunity to have children, I am going to make absolutely sure that they get the love that they need to lead a happy, productive life. There won't be any self-hatred and suicidal thoughts in their life. They will have friends as young kids. They will have relationships and get laid in their 20's. They will not end up around people that abuse them. They will be successful. My life is a sacrifice.

May 19, 2012
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You can make it
by: Anonymous

Hiii

I am not an expert and may be i do not have solutions for you too..
But you should really be proud of yourself..that you came out from all this alcoholism and drug abuse, with your talent in landscape...now you are a grown up person i can understand the scars that may be you still carry from your childhood..but you have a chance to fix it and replace it with forgiveness..
And regarding your health..lots of people have healthy bodies and they do nothing with their lives, others get too sick but they survive, others have short life but live it with happiness and joy and make great difference and impact..
You have talent use it and look up for the future..be happy its your choice and you deserve it..thank you for sharing your story

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