Do I have Abandonment Issues???

by Dreamer121
(Florida)

I'm 15 almost 16 and I started noticing that when I'm alone I get very "angry" and lonely, it's not just boredom, when I get home from school no ones here, and I just feel so lost.

I never had a dad, apparently he split before I was born, but I found a few old pics, and there he was, my mom doesn't really talk about him, and all it did was start a mill of questions. I got a few answers, but I want to know the truth from his mouth... maybe?

Um, I guess I was abused physical, you know beaten not sexual or anything by my mothers boyfriends over the years when I was little, but my brother was always there to take the beating for me, which I thank him for now, but also feel guilty about because I never learned to keep quiet or clean after myself.

But besides that my Brother kinda raised me, he's 3 years older than me, I started cooking for myself since I was like 8, and doing my own laundry, my mom was young, and I don't blame her for anything, not at all. She tried as hard as she could.

I noticed that a few years ago I was REALLY depressed, my mom had gotten kicked out of the house, and I had to live with my grandparents, who she also lived with. My brother graduated and now its just me and the cat at the house.

At school I surround myself with friends, but when I am not with them I feel lost again, they are more a family to me than my real one most of the time. For instance a few weeks ago, Jean-Luc (he is like my Best Guy Friend) didn't give me a hug, and I had not seen him for a few days (but we text all day every day), and all I wanted was a measly hug, so I walked away sad, but Victoria (My Best Friend For Ever And Ever!! :D) came by and hugged me hello, and walked me to class, though in the back of my head I was still thinking about what I DID WRONG.

Everything ended out okay in the end, he had just broke up with his girlfriend so he wasn't to happy (he's kinda scary when he's mad) he gave me a hug the next day and everything was better :D

I have a boyfriend, and he is great, but I do not know if it is wrong that I try to be distant yet close to him, if that makes any sense? I want to be close to him, but I have been hurt really bad a few times buy different guys in the past year. And I know he wouldn't think of hurting me EVER, but I've learned that eventually everyone hurts you. I just don't like feeling alone or lost, unless life is too complicated and I want to get away, or lost in a good song! :)

My questions are:
Do I seem like I have Abandonment Issues?
What kind of problems would that cause?
and Should I worry? (I don't know about what??)

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Nov 07, 2011
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Yes...
by: Don

Hi Dreamer121,

Yes it is obvious that you have what may be called "abandonment issues". These are emotional wounds that were sustained in the earliest part of your life and will stick with you until they are tended to and healed up...just like any other wound.

What Lisa has been telling you is good and helpful advice. But I also want you to know that it is okay to have your feelings. They are trying to get your attention and we are too often encouraged to ignore them or try to push them away without finding our what message they have for us.

Healing abandonment issues takes support from others but also self-nurturing. The idea of the "Inner Child" is a good way to look at it...and if you take Lisa's advice, writing in your journal is very helpful...It can be as if you are having a conversation with that younger part of you. You can think of it like the "big you" is taking care of the "little you".

Big can encourage Little to "talk" (write) about her feelings, about her thoughts, about her experiences (even in the here-and-now, because she is always with you), get her to talk about what she wants, what she needs, etc. Then, rather than jumping in right away to make her feel better...Big can listen and encourage Little to express everything she can about how she feels and why she feels that way...

THEN, when Little has said everything she can, has really been listened to and heard, Big can tell Little the TRUTH...because little kids almost always get it wrong...they take it that THEY are bad, or that something is wrong with THEM...and we all know that is just NOT TRUE. If you have trouble believing that, then just imagine some other little kid you know and love...and ask yourself, "would I blame her/him the same way Little blames herself?"

And keep reaching out, talking to people who are understanding and supportive. If you have questions, come back here and ask them. People will share what works for them. There is no right or wrong way to heal...just what works for you. These are only suggestions. Can't hurt to try. :)

Take care & keep coming back,
Don

Nov 03, 2011
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Hi again. :-)
by: Lisa

To continue from my last post.
Learn to be self reliant. A friend once told me, never invest in others what you can't afford to lose. Keep friendships and relationships in balance.

Life is about balance.

Life is different for ones, like us, growing up in a single parent house. Latch key children, with adult responsibilities and usually a grandparent(s) presence actively in our lives. We don't always have healthy, loving eamples of couples in our lives to learn what it should be. What is acceptable to behavior to be considered healthy love. Hence, why in my previous post, its important for you to learn and establish what you want and are not willing to settle for anything less.

You asking these questions, trust me you are decades ahead of me.

Its important for you to evaluate and re-evaluate your core through out life. Who you are today, who you want to be in future, goals, navigating your path to achieve them. Do this throughout your life.

Invest time wisely. Appreciate them and their love now.

Start to incorporate skills to manage the alone time, which is different than lonely. Work on becoming self reliant. What I mean by that is keep healthy, BALANCED, friendships and relationships. Don't rely on their presence, where should they drift away you are devestated. Understand that people grow apart. Friends included. Some friends are meant to be in your life forever. While you are evaluating your life, there are some you may see as not healthy and want to drift away from them. Don't take it personal. If they choose not to be in your life, are they worth crying over? No, true friends don't walk away. Focus on them, not the ones that aren't here for you.

Work on skills to evaluate the measurement of worry. Its easy to worry about stuff, we shouldn't. Appreciate good, don't obsess over bad, or what if's. What if that friend never hugged you again? It was their choice, and it is their loss. Invest your time on valuable investments. Rather than worry, grow your circle of friends, pick up a self help book to become the best you can be, fill that time home alone with positive habits.

Nov 03, 2011
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hi
by: Anonymous

You sound like a bright, genuine person.

Don't feel alone, many of us have those thoughts and struggle with insecurity. And it is something we all work on daily. We can't snap a finger and make ourselves perfect and even if we could tomorrow offers new changes, people. Etc
Life changes every day. One key is learning to adapt to change but remain true to you.

You have your whole life ahead of you and will learn many lessons that make you wiser.

My advice is work on being happy with you. Be confident. Build strong self respect and look forward to healthy goals and dreams you set for yourself. Establish the ethics and morals that you are willing to abide by expect by others in your life. This is a good foundation.

My father was absent. I struggled for years analyzing. Girls are good at thinking too much. Writing in a journal helps you to gain control of the topic when someone is unavailable to communicate with. I, learned to accept someone by the actions they have shown me. Absent is absent.
The important point, don't invest too much valuable time on someone that isn't investing in you.



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