Discovering the power of self-awareness/ Trying to figure it all out
My mother was absent, my father an abusive alcoholic. My older brother the responsible child and I was the lost child. I had intense hate that consumed my entire being. I got pregnant at the age of seventeen. this relationship was also abusive. I had my son for three years then he went to live with his grand mother. The drug abuse got worse. All of my relationships seemed to be filled with intense emotion and some form of abuse. When I was at the age of twenty six years old, my drug of choice was extacy. This was the first time in my life I actually felt happiness. It was the drug. I loved it! My boyfriend at time was my first ok relationship. Although it was still completely confusing and emotional. Through him i met a priest that made me want to be a better person. I went to counseling. My doctor explained my childhood to me, the who, how, why, and I was aware of how I felt. I thought was cured. I was sadly mistaken. So, there were more troubled relationships and feelings of loneliness, not good enough, unloved, not deserving of love and the fear of people that haunted my world. The drug addiction got was and used harder drugs. I put myself in rehab. I learned slot about addition and had the new understanding of myself. I had my second child at the age of thirty-five and was sober for four years. During this time, I completely isolated myself, worked, cared for my child, and took some classes. My major is psychology. How appropiate. I was in complete fear of the outside world all the predators, their abuse and addictions. I thought I was good. My son was happy. I know now I was not. Through my studies, life lessons from the priest, and the love that I had for my son to provide him with a healthy mind, body and soul. I have obtained this driving force and self awareness to heal and love the tortured child inside if me. I started drinking, life got hard. My son needed to start school, resources were limited and I started to panic. The responsible healthy person I thought I was was not. I met a man and in two weeks moved in with him. He himself had a daughter, was successful, had a house. He said he loved me and i loved him. This was it. I had my family I always dreamed of. Boy was I wrong. The honeymoon was over and I knew something was wrong. I never felt this kind of abuse before. We started counseling and i researched like crazy trying to get some validation and understanding of the situation. I felt like I was going crazy and the life was being sucked from my body. I believed myself to be in a narcissistic codependent relationship. I moved my son and myself out last Friday. I have been on a research obsession. But know I have discovered that I am completely fucked up. I'm waiting for my for my health insurance to start because I need to talk to an educated human and stop obsessing on the Internet. I knew I still had some self healing to do but the what I had discovered in completely insane. Not only am I codependent freak, I believe to possibly have some sort of personality disorder or even maybe many as well as anxiety and add. And to top it off in believe myself to a highly sensitive person to the extreme. Just needed to vent. Thanks.