DAUGHTER OF AN 80 YEAR ENABLING MOTHER
I am 60 years old and my mother has enabled my 52 year old brother since he was born.
He started getting into trouble when he was about 10 years old by breaking into the homes of nearby neighbors. My parents were so embarrassed that they eventually sold their house and moved out of the area.
My brother went into the Army and got into trouble and was given a General discharge and came home. He nagged my parents for months about some Korean girl that he was madly in love with and my mother forced my father into paying for my brother to go back to Korea and bring the girl back to the U.S. That relationship lasted only a couple of years. Long enough for my parents to spend a ton of money supporting their son and his new wife. The girl was not stupid and realized that my mother and brother had a sick relationship and she left.
Then my brother got more involved in drugs and petty crimes and was in and out of trouble. My mother was always the one to come to his rescue and to make excuses for his bad behavior. My father died in 1984. He had a massive heart attack at age 50. Way too young to die.
Well, my mother was on her own and kept bailing my brother out of trouble. He broke into her house and stole jewelry and other valuable items and she made excuses for him.
My brother starting hanging out with more dangerous people and got involved with armed robbery and was caught and went to prison. My mother sent him money and care packages all the time. That was just the beginning of 30+years of crimes, drugs and going in and out of many jails and prisons.
I found out from my mother's oldest sister (before she died a couple of years ago) that my brother had stolen a coin collection and diamond jewelry from her and my uncle. That is when my uncle refused to allow him in the house. My mother never told me any of this.
Over the last 30+years I can only imagine how much money she has spent on this ungrateful idiot. She was paying on two storage units full of his crap and things that he stole for over 15 years. I was able to get her to let me clean out one of his storage units a few years ago that was basically full of garbage and she had the nerve to say it was valuable and thought I should keep some of it!
Over that last 3 years he has only been out of jail about 10 months and refuses to get a job and lives off of stealing and dealing drugs and my mother refuses to believe that he is guilty of anything and says that the cops just have it out for him and that they are being mean!!!
When he is in jail my brother writes all these long letters about how he has learned his lesson and he is going to do this and do that when he gets out and life is going to be wonderful and my mother eats it up with a spoon. Then he gets out and goes right back to his scummy friends and gets right back into trouble.
He has been to rehab and half-way houses and has had many people try to help him and he always ends up in trouble and back in jail. Then he starts the cycle all over again. My mother supports him in and out of jail.
He has been out for about 6 months now and has been picked up 3 times. He is too lazy to show up at his probation officer's office so when he did show up they threw him in jail for several days and my mother was so upset she made herself physically ill.
Then he got picked up again for being in the area of a stolen car and spent several days in jail. Again, my mother was beside herself with worry.
My mother is on a fixed income and has a little savings and a couple of credit cards and she is always going to the bank and taking money from her savings to make ends meet. She lets my brother charge his gas when he is around. She has bought him 2 cell phones that he sold for drugs. He said he lost them but I know he is lying. She just activated a 3rd phone for him.
She was giving him a little money for bridge tolls and instead of paying the bridge toll he stole a license plate from someone else's car and put it on his car and went through the Fast Trak lane where pictures of his car were taken. Well, they finally caught up with him and my mother paid the fine and all the tolls - bailing him out of trouble again!
I have told her for years that she has to stop bailing him out of all of his problems and she has to set boundaries and tell him "no" but she won't stop. She is going to spend her last dime on him.
It absolutely drives me nuts because my brother doesn't give a damn about my mother or her feelings. When he leaves her house and disappears to be with his scum bag friends he never calls to let my mother know he is okay. He won't answer his phone that she pays for and then she gets so worried she makes herself sick. He only shows up when he needs or wants something from her and she won't say no!
When he did work she would set her alarm clock so she could call him to get up for his job because she did not want her baby boy to be late for work. That was 8 years ago.
He was shot by a druggie a few years back and I thought that would open his eyes but he went right back and got into trouble and was not able to finish his physical therapy and almost lost the use of his left hand and arm. But that didn't stop him from getting into trouble and going back to jail.
The last straw for me was the license plate deal. She only told me after that fact because she knows how mad I get about him using her and when I asked her why she continues to put up with his crap she said "well, he is my son." - ugh!!! She just will never get it. She is stuck on stupid when it comes to him. So, I told her I could not talk to her anymore and I hung up.
I feel like I have been enabling her bad behavior my threatening to cut myself off from her if she kept up this sick behavior of hers and then always caving in later on. So, this is it - put a fork in me because I am done. I am not going to call her nor am I going to take any of her calls. I have caller ID and will know when she is calling.
As far as I am concerned she can spend her last dime on him. She might as well have "Door Mat" tattooed on her forehead the way she let's him walk all over her. I have told her over and over that he is never going to change and that if he cared at all about her he would never do the stupid things he does. But she just knows that if she gives him one more second chance that he will change. And she keeps calling him a "kid". I tell her he is not a kid. He is a middle aged man that doesn't care about you or anyone else but himself.
I hope we can all find help with these postings. I cannot put up with these two people any longer. I have high blood pressure and an elderly husband who is not well and I still have to work and I am so tired of her self-centered nonsense and the fact that she will not go out and make any friends because she wants to fixate on her wonderful son and spend all of her time worrying about him and she won't get involved in any outside activity. She can't be bothered. That is her answer for everything that doesn't concern my brother. She can't be bothered. Well, I can't be bothered by her constant nagging about how bad my brother is but how she feels it is her duty to continue to help him.
Thanks for letting me vent - wow...I feel better just putting it all in writing. Let's cut out enablers from our lives and not let them make us feel guilty for their bad behavior and let's not enable the enablers - God bless you all!!