Consumed & Confused

by gina
(cincinnati, oh)

A few years ago I jumped out of an unloving relationship right into a new relationship. I spent about 6 years with someone that no longer found me attractive & didn't want to touch me. I hung in as long as I could for the sake of my daughter. I finally broke & started seeking the companionship I hadn't had in years. I found someone who was incredibly attracted to me & I fell hard. I now fight the guilt on a daily basis for jumping ship & leaving my 17 year daughter to live with her stepfather & move in with my boyfriend and his 2 sons. I love my boyfriend, and my daughter and I still have a very close relationship. The problem is my boyfriends 23 year son won't take responsibility for his life. He abuses drugs & alcohol, he has stolen from me, his dad & his brother. He can't keep a job and refuses to take one that he feels is beneath him. I witnessed him & his dads fight daily. I helped my boyfriend grow a back bone & through him out. We changed the locks & he kept breaking in for a long time. Finally he found a couple friends to move in with for about a year. He recently moved in again because he claimed he only needed to live with us for a month. I reluctantly agreed. His dad felt like because he lived with friends for a year he had changed. He moved in, didn't follow our rules, lied, said he had a job but didn't, the house never came through and now my boyfriend sent him to his mothers to live. She blames everything on my boyfriend & even tells her son that his dad is responsible for his problems. So when my boyfriend dropped his son off his ex wife played the guilt card and said that there son is depressed & she would help him. So now my boyfriend feels guilty for not helping him. To sum it up, I feel like a complete outsider living in a prison where I am to accept there son the way they accept him. There son has shown me that he is spoiled and feels he is entitled because his dad caused all his problems. I want to pack up & move out & date my boyfriend and live in my own home where I have complete control & I don't have to carry my valuable on me at all times. Financially I'm stuck here & I'm dying inside I feel like a victim & I can't let it go we fight about it daily and I know his son is going to show back up here. Please, I am open to any suggestions to help me out of this situation.

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Sep 09, 2014
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What to do?
by: Don

Hi Gina,

In the beginning of all of this you said you got out of a bad relationship because you found someone who is more attracted to you. I take that to mean you were no longer willing to live in a dysfunctional situation and that you wanted something better.

This new arrangement is a dysfunctional system. A family is a system and a system is always more powerful that its individual members. It takes a concerted effort on the part of most, if not all of the members to change a system.

As an new outsider coming in, you cannot hope to change this system.

The thing keeping you hooked into the drama of it all is that feeling you call love for your boyfriend. You will have to ask yourself this new dysfunctional system is going to offer enough space to grow the kind of relationship you are seeking.

I would look closely at the title of your post... If you are already feeling "consumed and confused", then what are a few more months or years of living in this system going to do for you?

My suggestion: Keep in mind that your best thinking keeps getting you into these situations. This is an indication that you could use a "new thinker" to help you get a new perspective. (a counselor, 12-step group, forum members, etc.) You have already begun coming to that conclusion yourself which would explain why you are here reaching out right now - Keep doing that!

Don

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