Confused

When I say no to manipulative people in my family..I feel guilty for three days..The good news is..I now say No..I use to just give in..These feelings are frustrating because, I know I'm getting smeared in the family..I'm determined to take care of myself and my young children and not be pulled into others' drama. I do have to work on being kinder..They just don't stop

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Nov 27, 2016
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Say "No" to Detach with Love
by: Don Carter

Great topic... Saying 'no' is the beginning of healthy boundaries. If I don't say no when I should I am hurting both myself and the person I should be saying no to.

For example, saying yes when I should say no is enabling. It is also teaching the person to come to me when they are looking for an enabler. We teach people how to treat us with those two simple words (yes and no).

When we repeatedly do for others what they should be able to do for themselves, we are agreeing with the person that they can't do it and need me to do it for them. It is like saying "Yes, you are unable to do what I can do because you are victim, or not smart enough, or not capable, or not competent."

Detaching with love is guilt-free because it comes with the understanding that saying no is often times an act of love and an affirmation of faith in the other person. In fact, you can even say that... "No, I choose not to do this for you because I have faith in your ability to figure it out on your own. I know you can do this because you are smart/capable/creative/competent person who can learn how to get what you want or need."

Say NO to guilt... it is one of those rational-lies that perpetuates our codependency.

Thanks for the post,
Don Carter

Nov 19, 2016
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No is a good word
by: Anonymous

Hi Confused,
I totally understand how it feels to be smeared by family and I know how it hurts. I went through this many years ago and have learned over this time that when people hurt you for what ever reason, you have to walk away from them and never look back. Sometimes when its family, its impossible to be rid of these toxic people totally; however, you can stop making any effort, and let them take the initiative to be a part of your life if they want to. Please do not worry about saying "NO"...its the only power a person has sometimes.If you are not comfortable doing something and simply don't do it. Take care of you, because you are your best friend.
hugs,
Mary

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