clueless mom

I've enabled my 29 year old son, who is a drug addict, bipolar disorder, probably obsessive/compulsive disorder for at least 10 to 15 years. Very tired, tapped finances. seems to be at the brink of destroying a very good 36 year marriage. no miracles and not much hope. this is what hell must be like.

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Feb 26, 2011
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I also have BPD
by: Grandma Rose

I too have a B/P daughter and B/P son. Both are in their 30's and I have sacrificed everything including losing 2 great jobs, money, self-esteem. The pain is sometimes unbearable, and there have been times I just wanted to end it all. I love them so much. But, since right now I lost everything - am I am at a homeless shelter, because they took and took, this time I realize I cannot help them. My daughter just lost her 3 yr old and this time - I do hope she does not get her back. She does good for months at a time, then relapses. She has almost killed her son 1x and her daughter 2x but "it is not her fault" according to her. My B/P son is a great lawyer and just got suspended for "Meth". Plus contempt of court (2) plus loosing his marriage, and his driver's license. This happened so fast-5 years ago, it was manageable, then it was like everything fell apart. Well, thanks for letting me vent. I will get better, I just have to stay away from both, I falling. I can't do it any long.

Jan 07, 2011
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There is hope...
by: Don...

Alanon Family groups are great places to get what you need to survive in this situation. It may not change your son, but if you get YOUR miracle...it will change the way he experiences you.

Who knows, he might even be attracted into recovery by seeing the changes in you. Notice I said ATTRACTED into recovery, not promoted into it -- that does not work.

I hope you give yourself the gift of recovery, because you don't have to live in hell just because he is...in fact, how can you expect your loved one to do something you are not willing to do yourself?

Here is a link to learn more about Alanon: (copy and paste to your browser address bar)

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I hope to see you share you experience and visit often while on your journey!

Go for it!
Don Carter

Jan 06, 2011
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NO MORE
by: KATHIE GRACE

I stopped enabling my son, I couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of being depressed, so I moved out of my home and rented an apartment, left everything behind, except for my chothes. He has shaped up now that he can't depend upon me anymore. He is in a program and doing wonderul, you got to let go you are not GOD.

Dec 29, 2010
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tough love
by: Anonymous

I have heard of tough love and I used to think it meant being tough on someone you love by setting boundaries and keeping them. BUT I really think tough love is tough to do for a Mom. Our natural desire is to protect our children and do what we can for them BUT, if we don't help them to grown up into responsible adults, we aren't really loving them are we? We need to set boundaries and keep them for our child's sake as well as our own.

It is my prayer for you that you figure out how to be strong and not end up like my mother-in-law who at 82 is still enabling her 58 year old drug addict son. Now of course he is also physically ill, but it all stems back to the drug use.

I pray you are able to do what is best for your son and set the boundries and force him to live on his own and face his own demons.

Dec 29, 2010
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Tough Love
by: Kathleen D. Cone

Dear Clueless,

Seems to me this is the time to put your foot down and give your son alternatives he may not like, but will force him to make decisions on his own.

One being that he enter detox and then a halfway house. You might need to call around to get everything arranged ahead of time (find a detox center for him and set up a halfway house that will take him provided he enter the detox program and follow through).

And, then before confronting him with this information gather moral support from family and friends to do an intervention when you deliver the news to him that he can no longer live off of you and your husband and must enter the program or move out immediately.

The support system is also for you so that you do not backdown from your position due to your need to be co-dependant. And should go far in honoring your husband and marriage.

If your son refuses to cooperate, you simply have to throw him out of your house.. If he has friends he can go live with them or couch surf and learn how to deal with his own problems..

Certianly he can qualify for medical care due to his bi-polar condition and instructions can be given to him as to how to do so with a guidance counselor at the center he will be applying at for public assistance.

Again, you can investigate where he needs to go and to whom he needs to talk with etc to be sure he'll be okay in the meantime and then present this information to him during the intervention as well.

I don't know you personally but quite often in the case of a mother and her child and co-dependency the fear of the mother is that if she does what is right for her, her child will stop loving her.. and in many cases this does happen to a degree...

The child goes off (possibly angry and unforgiving)and it could be years before they "so-call forgive you". You risk this when you finally do the right thing. But you do your son no service of love by coddling him and not letting him mature.

It won't be easy because in many ways your son meets needs in you that you too will also have to withdraw from.

But, your husband has stuck with you this entire time. It sounds like it's time to respect him for the depth of his love towards you in tolerating the whole debacle in hopes of restoring what is left of your marriage.

Note*
If your son is on Benzo's for his bi-polar problems he'll have to withdraw slowly ~ cold turkey can cause seizures and all sorts of imbalances for his brain with protracted withdrawals that can last for well over a year and often 2 years.. So I'm not suggesting he be detoxed from necessary medications or be detoxed cold turkey from Benzodiazipines.

Love Kathy

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